#also every time i got them tightened my mom would take me to get a strawberry fudge cheesecake blizzard from DQ down the street

[willowfey]

i had weird dreams about traveling through dimensions on halloween to old familiar streets of my hometown but having everything be different because i was slightly off in my calculations so the colours were distorted and the houses were rearranged but the smell was still the same. then i woke up with visceral memories clouding my head of going to get my braces tightened each month and getting the colour changed according to the season/holiday.

[readwritealldayallnight]

“-and every year after that, we always had double chocolate chip cookies instead of regular chocolate chip. Made me stand out at the school bakes sales, too! And I would beg and beg and beg my mom to make them before any other sweets-”

“Got my stomach grumblin’ over here now, love.” Simon cuts off your rambling with a loving chuckle. The first winter’s snow began falling from the sky in London that morning, and you’d been eager to tell your lover about the traditions you’d had growing up around this time of year.

“Well imagine how I felt, Si!” You say with a giggle, patting his stomach in emphasis. “I swear, it’s become a true Pavlovian response, I see the first snowflakes and I instantly start craving those cookies again. Like when I was little…”

Simon sees the melancholic smile playing across your lips, and he knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that first chance he gets, he’ll be ringing your mum to get said recipe from her.

And if you walk into your shared flat a few days later, the smell of burnt something wafting through the air, fire alarm beeping incessantly, coming upon a flustered looking 6’4” behemoth of a man swatting a flowery dish towel through the air in attempt to dissipate the smoke coming from the oven, well, the sentiment behind your lover wanting to surprise you with your favourite treat from childhood is a thousand times sweeter than the cookie itself.

~~~~~~~~~~

“Ooh, look at those ones over there!” You exclaim, tightening your grip on Simon’s arm. You’re both strolling through a local farmers market on a dreary Sunday afternoon with nothing better to do. Your free hand points towards a stall selling beautifully intricate bouquets of flowers. “They’re so pretty for this late in the season.”

Simon is glancing over at the stall, minutely nodding in agreement, before his gaze shifts back to the crowd.

“Want one?”

“Oh, no, that’s okay. Just thought they looked nice. We don’t need any.” You say, leading him past the stall, not noticing when he glances back over his shoulder to remember the name written at the top of the display.

Once back home, upon hearing your gasp of surprise followed by what he recognizes now as your excited squeal, he smirks to himself in the other room, knowing you’ve stumbled upon the bouquet he had delivered during your nap.

What you don’t know is that he’s already set it up so that you’ll be receiving a new fresh set of flowers every week now, delivered straight to your front steps.

~~~~~~~~~~

“Really wasn’t that bad this time around, promise.” You mumble into his firm chest, his muscular arms holding you there as you snuggle on the couch. He got back from a two week deployment last night, and you’re still catching him up on everything he missed. “I made a point of going outside everyday, for a change of scenery at least.”

“Tha’s good, lovie.” He whispers, running his digits through the strands of your hair, careful not to tug any time he runs into knot, instead gently trying to comb it out himself.

“Not like I was all alone, anyhow.” You say with a small giggle, biting your lip. He finds himself answering with his own lighthearted chuckle, sitting up straighter to glance at the table over your shoulder. “Gave me something to look forward to each day, feeding the lil’ guy.”

“Was hoping it’d be a nice surprise for ya. Not another chore…”

“Oh, Goldie’s not a chore.” You laugh, swatting at Simon’s chest. You also take the time to glance over at the goldfish in question, swimming in the small circular fish bowl that Simon had somehow snuck into the flat the day before he left. He hated the idea of leaving you alone all the time, never knowing when he’d have a chance to speak on the phone, and he didn’t want to burden you with a larger, more high maintenance animal like a dog or cat. And so, Goldie was brought home.

“Although, I’m worried maybe he’s getting lonely when I’m out of the house. Might have to get him a friend.”

Simon doesn’t even try to hide the corny grin that spreads across his face.

“Have I ever told you the joke about the two goldfish in a tank?”

[pickingupmymercedes]

It's not just a win - Lewis Hamilton NSFW

The 104th win Special - He's bloody done it ❤️

pairing: Lewis Hamilton x Reader!

warnings: unprotected sexual activities.

Also, wrap it before you tap it guys

wordcount: +2K

a/n: Don't have anything to say really. I don't even think this gets close to putting to paper what it meant. To him. To us. But I also think it's going to take time for us to really understand how much this win meant.

As always, I'm open for feedback, come say hi!

EXPLICIT CONTENT UNDER, -18 DO NOT INTERACT

______________________________________________________________

Y/n stirred gently in the early morning light, the soft glow of dawn filtering through the slits on the window of the motorhome. She blinked sleepily, her eyes slowly adjusting to the soft, golden hues that bathed the room.

The warmth from the arms around her brought a lazy smile to her lips, and as she turned, she saw Lewis lying awake, staring at the ceiling with a faraway look in his eyes.

"Good morning, GP winner" she murmured, her voice still husky with sleep.

Lewis turned his head towards her, a content smile capturing his features as he returned from whatever world had been occupying his mind. "Good morning, love" he replied softly.

Y/n scooted closer, her arm draping over his chest, her head resting on his shoulder as he embraced her tight. She could feel the steady rhythm of his heartbeat pick up as she looked back up at him " Wanna debrief?" her voice gentle and inviting.

Lewis sighed, his eyes gazing into hers, searching for the right words. "Just...thinking about everything," he admitted. "Yesterday was...a lot."

Y/n nodded, encouraging him to continue. She knew that he needed this, a chance to make sense of his emotions out loud.

"There were moments in the past few years when I doubted myself," he began, a low rumble in his chest. "That maybe I couldn’t do it anymore. That I should have retired. It felt like I would never win again. But then...yesterday."

"I thought I had healed from 2021" Lewis admitted for the first time to her, his voice low and hesitant. "I know I always told everyone I was through. And maybe I had tried to convince myself I had. But standing on that podium yesterday… I still have so much to give."

He paused, taking a deep breath as he gathered his thoughts. "I’m not one to accept love easily… you know that” he almost whispered shaking his head a bit as you lowly chuckled “But these past years… the energy and support people have given me. I couldn’t… I can’t let that go unnoticed.”

Y/n traced small circles on his chest, her touch soothing and grounding. "What makes you think that?" she asked softly.

"I kept catching myself thinking about Abu Dhabi," his voice barely above a whisper. "About how close… how everything just...slipped away. It felt like...like I had failed. Like I had let everyone down." He sighed, a deep, shuddering breath. "I just...I needed this. I needed to win. To prove to myself that I still can."

Y/n tightened her embrace, her heart aching for him. "You deserve every bit of love you receive, Lew." Her hand going to trace the lines of his cheeks where his beard started. “And I’m sure people don’t expect anything more than the best you can do. And I know you always try and give your best.

Lewis nodded, his eyes glistening with unshed tears. "I know. I know. But I could always fight on track those who doubted... and then when I couldn’t…" he shook his head looking away. “Finally winning again. At home, with everyone there, my mom, my dad, my family. You. It was...overwhelming. I sobbed when I got out of the car. I couldn't help it. It was like everything I’d been holding in just poured out because I knew I had proven myself. That I had shown everyone what you all believed in... even when I doubted it"

Y/n sat up a bit to reach for his face in her hands, forcing him to meet her gaze. "There will always be challenges, always be obstacles. But you’ve proven time and time again that you can overcome them. You have an incredible strength, Lewis. And you don’t have to face them all alone. I’m here. Your family is here. Your team is here. And we’re always going to believe in you." she said honestly.

Lewis smiled, a genuine, heartfelt smile that reached his eyes "It felt like...like a new beginning. Like maybe, just maybe, I’m finally starting to heal." he said softly.

"It's not just a win, is it?"

He looked at her, his eyes glistening with tears. "No" he sighed; his voice thick with emotion. "It's...closure? Proof that I'm not finished. Not just yet."

Y/n agreed. "You can finally let go of the past now … or at least put it in its place."

He nodded, a sense of peace settling over him. "Thank you. For everything. For being here, for believing in me."

"Always," she whispered, pressing a gentle kiss to his forehead. "I’ll always be here." she whispered, pressing a gentle kiss to his neck.

Lewis angled his head slightly, meeting her lips with his own. The kiss was tender at first, a sweet affirmation to her, but it quickly deepened. His hand found its way to her hair, tangling in the soft strands as he pulled her closer.

Y/n responded eagerly, her hands roaming over his chest and shoulders, feeling the heat of his skin through the fabric of his shirt. She pressed her body to his side, savoring the feel of his warmth and his muscles.

The kisses grew frantic and soon they were wrapped up in each other, lost in the moment.

Y/n felt Lewis's hand slip under the hem of her shirt, his fingers tracing patterns on her skin. She arched against him.

When she felt his hand move lower, sliding towards the waistband of her underwear, she pulled back slightly, breathless. "Do we have time?" she asked, her voice a husky whisper. "You’re supposed to head to the factory this morning."

Lewis looked at her through hooded dark eyes "They can wait" his voice rough with desire. "I feel like celebrating a bit more." Y/n smiled, a slow, sensual curve of her lips, and leaned in to capture his mouth in another searing kiss.

But just as their lips met again, a sudden bark from the foot of the bed pulled them back to reality. They both glanced down to see Roscoe looking rather annoyed and impatient. His expressive eyes, almost accusing, seemed to say "Are you two quite finished?"

Lewis chuckled, the sound vibrating through Y/n’s chest. "Looks like someone needs to go to the bathroom" he said with a grin, his fingers gently brushing Y/n’s cheek.

Y/n laughed softly, pressing a quick kiss to his lips before sitting up. "Duty calls, go one dad, we’ll resume after" her eyes twinkling with amusement.

Lewis gave her a playful nudge before swinging his legs over the side of the bed. "Alright, buddy, let’s get you sorted" he said, his tone affectionate as he leaned down to give the bulldog a scratch behind the ears.

When he returned the sounds of running water drew his attention, and he made his way to the bathroom, a soft smile on his lips.

He found Y/n in the shower, the steam curling around her, obscuring his view. And as the mist cleared, he could see her silhouette through the glass door, the water cascading over her body. She glanced back through the glass, catching him watching her.

"Enjoying the view?" she asked teasingly, her voice thick with amusement.

Lewis chuckled, leaning against the doorframe. "Very much," he replied, his voice low and warm. Y/n turned to slide open the box door, her expression softening. "Care to join me?"

He didn’t need to be asked twice. Quickly shedding his clothes, he stepped into the shower, the hot water immediately welcoming him.

They stood there for a moment, letting the water pour over them, washing away the remnants of the previous day.

He was the first to reach out, his fingers gently trailing along Y/n’s arm, marveling at her. She almost felt exposed at his gaze, but the way his eyes held her captivated had her forget everything but him.

She stepped closer until their bodies were pressed together and he dipped his head, capturing her lips in a tender kiss, their movements slow and deliberate. A rhythm that was achingly familiar although their hands explored each other’s bodies like they had to reach every bit of skin they were yet to memorize.

Y/n’s fingers traced the lines of his muscles, her touch light and loving. Lewis mirrored her actions, his hands caressing her curves, his touch both soothing and electrifying.

The water continued to cascade over them, a warm, comforting presence that seemed to heighten every sensation. Y/n tilted her head back, her eyes fluttering shut as Lewis kissed a path down her neck, his lips leaving a trail of electricity.

"I love you " she breathed, her hands tangling in his loose braids as she pulled him closer.

"I love you" he whispered back against her skin; his voice filled with emotion.

They lost themselves in each other, the world outside the shower fading into insignificance. The water poured over them, mingling with the soft sighs and whispers that filled the small space.

When Lewis’s hands found Y/n’s waist, he pulled her flush against him as he kissed her deeply. She responded, her body arching into his, seeking more of his touch. They savored the moment, the feeling of being so close, so connected.

Y/n's hand slid down his chest, her fingertips tracing the hard planes of his muscles. Her touch was electric to his skin.

She reached his half-hard erection, her fingers wrapping around him with a gentle but firm grip. She began to pump him slowly, her movements teasing and deliberate. Lewis groaned softly into her mouth, both of his hand finding her waist. Her pumping combined with the hot water cascading over their bodies was almost overwhelming. He responded by pressing her against the cool tile wall, his lips never leaving hers.

With one hand still wrapped around his length, Y/n used her free hand to anchor herself against his shoulder. Lewis lifted one of her legs, creating better access to her core. He positioned himself at her entrance, his eyes locking onto hers.

"You ready?" he whispered, his voice a low rumble.

Y/n nodded; her pupils wildly dilated. "Yeah" she breathed.

Lewis kissed her deeply, his tongue tangling with hers to muffle her moans as he slowly entered her. The sensation was almost too much, her walls stretching to accommodate him. He paused, holding himself still to regain control, feeling her warmth envelop him.

She gasped into his mouth, her breath hitching as he filled her completely. He waited a moment, allowing her to adjust, before he began to move. Each thrust was slow and measured, his lips still pressed against hers to keep their sounds low to possible bypassers around the motorhomes.

Y/n's nails dug into his shoulders as she wrapped her arms around his neck, her body arching to meet his movements. She bit down gently on the soft spot where his neck met his collarbone, making him wince in pain and pleasure.

The rhythm between them became more urgent, their need for each other driving them on. Lewis groaned softly, his grip on her tightening as he lifted her other leg, supporting her entirely against the wall.

The change in angle allowed him to penetrate even deeper, eliciting a moan from Y/n that he quickly swallowed with another kiss.

As he felt her walls start to flutter, he pulled out to turn her in his embrace, her back pressing against his chest as she moaned in protest. He entered her from behind, the new position allowing him to reach even deeper.

One of his hands slid around to hold her close by her lower abdomen, pressing into the spot where he could feel himself pushing into her.

Y/n's head fell back against his shoulder, her moans growing louder despite their attempts to stay quiet. Lewis kissed along her neck, his other hand moving down to flicker at her clit with precise, deliberate movements.

"I'm so close" she whimpered, her body trembling.

Lewis's own control was slipping, the sensation of her tight around him driving him closer to his own orgasm "Let go" he whispered against her ear. "I've got you."

With a final thrust, he felt her walls clench around him as she saw white. Her body convulsed; her cries muffled by how she bit on the skin of his neck, her head hanging on his shoulders. The mix of her walls and the biting of his skin triggered his own release, a wave that left him shaking.

They held each other close when he pulled out and turned her on his arms, his forehead resting against hers. "Hi there gorgeous" he murmured when she opened her eyes to look at him, his breath still coming in ragged gasps.

Y/n smiled; her eyes glimmering with satisfaction. "You’re handsome too" she joked, chuckling softly.

They stayed like that for a few moments longer, savoring the intimacy of the moment and the water falling on them. Finally, Y/n reached out and turned off the shower, the sudden silence almost deafening after the steady sound of running water.

Lewis grabbed a towel, wrapping it around Y/n before pulling her into his arms. "I think that’s the best way to start the day," he murmured, pressing a kiss to her damp hair.

Y/n leaned into him, her heart swelling with love. "Couldn’t agree more. Now go, they’re waiting for their champion."

______________________________________________________________

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[abbysimsfun]

Sims In Bloom: Generation 2 Pt. 90 (Under Pressure)

cw: a bit of coarse language from River, it's just his voice.

Light snow fell over Sable Square on this sunny winter morning, and Conrad tensed his shoulders as he opened the front door. But his best friend and future brother-in-law stood before him, and Conrad relaxed as he stepped out to greet him.

"Hey Riv. What are you doing here? We're gonna be in Henford in two days."

"I'm off for a few weeks with Cass and baby Sammy, but I wanted to talk when we weren't surrounded by family," River said. "Everyone's kinda worried about you, you know."

"Everything's fine. Work's just a little stressful right now."

"Yeah? Those security cameras are pretty intense. You've got that restraining order, and Hazel said you guys brought home a ghost from your date last night...?"

"He's not a ghost anym- Is there anything your family doesn't talk about with each other?"

"Not really, but you knew that already. Are my sister and her kids in some kind of danger?"

Conrad shook his head stiffly. "No."

River studied him. "That's good, because you know if you put a Landgraab in danger, that old bitch who hates my sister will probably have you killed."

He laughed a little but wasn't kidding, and Conrad shifted uncomfortably. "I've got to get to work soon, but come on in for a few minutes."

River followed him inside and greeted Gord with a smile. "You're also about to miss the deadline for our fantasy sportsball league."

"I completely forgot that was this week. I'm sorry. Maybe I should skip it this time around. My head's kind of jammed lately. I haven't even kept up on offseason trades."

"Dude, you're not okay at all. You're the first one in every season..."

"Riv, I just have a lot going on." He tried, but failed, to bottle his frustration with himself, but his reply came out terse and unwelcoming. If everyone could see his stress, he wasn't managing his secrets, but he didn't mean to take it out on River. "Sorry."

"It's alright...I brought the number for that ring designer you asked for, too." He paused, and Conrad didn't fill the silence. "You should go see Cass' mom. Every time she calls, she says how stressed you are. Cass thinks she talks like you're one of her kids, but that's Bella Goth for you - everyone's family to her. Besides, you and my sister have gotten into some real Goth-flavoured shit the last couple years, so it's no wonder she's started thinking of you like family."

Conrad laughed, trying to lighten the mood. "Maybe it's just a Brindleton Bay thing for everyone in town to pick up strays. How are you doing? How's Michael adjusting to having a new baby at home?"

"Michael loves Sammy, but he doesn't understand why the baby just stares at him so far."

"Ash was like that. Now Lavender tries babbling with him and he's a lot more interested. Seeing them together kinda makes me wish I had a sibling or two."

"Dude, you've got plenty these days." River stood from the sofa and tightened his scarf. "Listen, I'll get going. I told Cass I'd stop in to see her mother before I left town, myself. It'll be great to see you this weekend, and just...take it easy, okay? No case is more important than my sister and those kids."

"They're my entire world, man. If they're ever in danger, I'll do anything to keep them safe. Thank you for coming by, but I'm handling the stress. I swear to the Watcher."

River leaned in for a hug before they both left the house on Sable Square. He thought about their conversation the whole way to the precinct, about Heather's suspicions, needy Ximena, and angry old George Brindleton. By the time Conrad made it to work, he felt like his heart could explode from his chest.

He made a beeline for the break room and hit redial on the unlisted number he knew would be Ximena. This time, she picked up after only two rings.

"Conrad, do you need me?"

"Where's your brother?" He kept his voice low to ensure no one might overhear if they walked in the room.

"If I knew, I wouldn't have found you to ask for help."

"You found me before you said he went missing. What did you want then? Just me, right? Then what? Things start to go a little sideways with the cartel and you remember I said I'd help you if you ever left, the day I finally left you? But you never left, did you? When's the last time you worked for Los Tigres?"

"Four months ago."

"You and Jimmy, huh. How did it go?"

"It should have gone better!"

"Did they take your brother?"

"It's possible."

"Ximena, I can't do this. I can't help you. I've got kids. I'm not getting mixed up with you and that world again. When it might've been some degenerates trying to mess with the cartel, it was different."

"So you're just going to let them do whatever they want with him? Like they did with me before I took my future into my own hands?"

"You figured out how to beat the cartel at their own game once. If you're really against them and this isn't another lie, do it again for your brother. I'm not going to start investigating the cartel just because they've cut you out after too many bad deliveries." She stammered, and Conrad sighed. "Did you not think I'd read your file after you found me again? You don't even know that's who took Rafa."

"So you're really out? Even though it's Rafa." The sweet voice she put on for him had disappeared.

"Good luck, Ximena. I'm out."

He shook from a mix of anger and guilt when he hung up the phone and blocked her latest number. He was angry at her, but angrier at himself for letting it get this far. To never see her again wouldn't trouble him, but the mystery of Rafa's disappearance wouldn't be so easy to leave behind.

Yet River was right, as usual. He had to let it go. Heather and his family deserved his attention more than Ximena. More than Rafa.

He changed into shorts and a t-shirt and found one of the punching bags unoccupied in the upstairs gym. He funnelled a torrent of guilt and frustration through his gloves, pounding the leather bag at the end of his gloved fists.

For the rest of the day, Conrad stuck close to his desk to organize his case files. When 6p.m. hit, his head still clouded with stress, he clocked out and headed home.

But he remembered what River suggested and changed course, driving his cruiser across the bridge to Cavalier Cove, instead. ->

<- Previous Chapter | Gen 2 Start | Gen 1 Summary | Gen 1 Start

Meanwhile, Ximena returned home and made herself a sandwich. Anyone recognize her apartment? 👀

[clarisse0o]

Camp Wiegman-Part 84

Lucy Bronze x Ona Batlle

Alternative Universe: Military School

Words: 5K

Masterlist

———————————————————————

Friday, July 1st; 8:30 AM – Ona and Lucy's apartment.

I hum while cooking my pancakes in the pan. It's early, but I couldn't sleep anymore. Instead of waking Lucy, who was peacefully sleeping, I decided to make myself useful. So, here I am, in front of the stove. After several mornings of Lucy teaching me how to make pancakes, I finally decided to try it on my own. It was the perfect time while everyone else was still asleep. At least I knew no one would disturb me or offer their help, thinking I wouldn’t succeed. For once, I wanted to do it all by myself. This solitary moment is deeply relaxing for me. I feel good, with only the sounds of cooking and the TV in the background. The music coming from it puts me in a good mood. I sing along, swaying my body to the rhythm. When my pancake is ready, I remove it and start on the next one. That's when two arms gently wrap around me.

"What a lovely sight this early in the morning," I hear Lucy whisper in my ear.

I smile and stop moving my hips to feel her press against my back.

"Good morning," I murmur.

"So, how dare you leave me alone in bed?"

She takes advantage of my hair being tied up in a messy bun to plant a kiss on my exposed neck. A shiver runs through me, but it's a delightful way to start the day.

"And you have the nerve to complain? You don't think twice about leaving me alone when you go for your runs."

She laughs, tightening her grip around me. My stomach flutters in response. Yeah, I could definitely get used to this kind of morning.

"You're right. Forgive me for putting you through that."

"I’m adapting. You’ve got to make some sacrifices if I want to enjoy my girlfriend’s athletic body."

Lucy laughs again and kisses my cheek. Then she steps aside to lean against the counter with her arms crossed.

"True."

"So, where’s my kiss?"

She smiles and leans in to meet my lips. I close my eyes to savor our first kiss of the day. These tender moments between us mean a lot. They're spontaneous, which makes our relationship even more special. I sincerely hope they will continue and help our love last.

"Are you satisfied now, princess?"

"More than ever."

"You make me so happy. But why didn’t you wake me?"

"You were sleeping so deeply. I didn’t want to disturb you, especially since you so rarely sleep in. Besides, I wanted to use the time to make breakfast by myself."

"I see. It smells delicious."

"Thanks."

I blush softly. She runs her hand along the back of my neck as she straightens up, glancing at my plate full of pancakes, ready to be eaten.

"I suppose I can’t have a taste yet?"

"No," I giggle. "We’re all waiting for my mom and Joan to wake up."

She pouts, but I stand firm.

"Alright, but you should at least cover them," she says as I add another pancake to the pile. "They’ll get cold by then."

"Can you do it for me, please?"

"Hmm."

Her hand slides down my back before her touch fades away. She covers the plate and starts setting the table. She knows I’m not in my usual state. In an hour and a half, I’ll finally find out the result of my exam. I’m grateful that she’s not pressing me about it. I finish the last pancakes, and just in time for my mom and Joan to make their appearance. Lucy has also finished her tasks. She’s prepared freshly squeezed orange juice and is getting the hot drinks ready.

"Good morning, girls."

"Hey. Did you sleep well?" I ask them.

"As well as ever. I could get used to this place, especially if we’re treated this nicely every day."

"Uh… I like you, but no thanks."

"Ona!" Lucy scolds me.

My mom chuckles. Even though things have mostly been patched up, if I leave home, it won’t be so she can stay here.

"No, Lucy, she's right. The two of us under one roof, it’d be fireworks."

"Maybe, but that’s no excuse."

"It’s fine, I’m just joking."

I stick my tongue out as I place the plate on the table, where everyone is already seated.

"Well, this is quite a feast."

"Ona made it," Lucy points out.

"Really?"

I nod, visibly embarrassed. Lucy, sitting next to me, places her hand on my thigh as I take my seat.

"You're barely showing any signs of stress," she teases me.

"I knew something was off—I hadn't heard a single jab from you yet."

"Oh, don’t take it like that, honey."

My mom chuckles as she serves us, while Joan makes it clear he's hungry. They’ve been here for almost a week, and it seems like they've settled in. Their return to Barcelona later this afternoon is going to feel strange to them. One thing's for sure, I’m glad my mom finally got to see my life here. I'm not the rebellious kid I was when I left Barcelona. She can see I’m building my life successfully. She loves our apartment and, of course, has fully embraced Lucy into our family since our commitment to each other. She’s kept the promise she made at her wedding, and I don’t think that will change anytime soon. At least, I hope not. Lucy has helped me understand the importance of family, and even though I no longer have my father, I still have my mom.

"I can finally have a taste!" my girlfriend rejoices when her plate is served.

I’m nervous about her reaction. In fact, I haven’t even told her that I didn’t taste them myself. They look good, but we all know appearances can be deceiving. Lucy, however, seems completely unbothered. She’s totally calm as she takes the first bite. The tension rises in me as she chews slowly. Everyone waits for her reaction, which doesn’t take long. A hum escapes her soft lips.

"Hmm... not bad at all, my love."

"Really?" I ask, surprised. "You’re not just saying that to be nice?"

She laughs, shaking her head. I relax as she takes another bite. I’m happy to know it's at least edible.

"No, really, it's good. You didn’t even try it beforehand?"

"No," I admit, embarrassed. "I was scared of the result."

"Well, go ahead, taste it."

She cuts a piece and holds the fork out to me. I accept it without hesitation. My mom and sister have also started eating. I take my time to savor all the flavors of the dish, and I have to admit it turned out pretty well. For a first try, I did really well. They’re not as good as Lucy's yet, but I managed to make something. Just a few days ago, I was redoing the batter three times over, so I guess I’ve improved.

"It’s not bad at all, actually."

"I never imagined I'd eat one of your dishes one day," my mom confirms.

"Well, thanks!" I giggle.

"Oh no, it's a compliment. I never took the time to learn how to cook. That’s why I have Samuel at home."

I laugh, nodding. Indeed, I remember her as a walking disaster in the kitchen. Since she worked a lot, it was rare for her to cook for me, and yet, I vividly remember her burnt meals when she did. I was always relieved when my dad or grandmother stepped in to save the day. And if neither of them was around, I knew Nick's mom, our neighbor, would gladly serve me food discreetly after my mom’s meal. I focus on Joan, who also seems to be enjoying the food. He confirms this by asking for seconds twice before being refused a third helping.

"What time do we need to be at school?"

"The results are posted at ten," Lucy responds. "So, a bit earlier would be good."

"What about Mapi and Ingrid? Are they meeting us here?"

"Yes, that’s the plan," I confirm. "Have you heard from them?" I ask Lucy.

"They just left their place. They should be here soon."

"Okay," I reply with a shared smile.

Mapi came back with us a week ago. It feels really strange having her so close now, but I’m not complaining. For now, she seems to be enjoying her life here. We’re all on vacation, so we see each other regularly. Ingrid and she are helping out at the gym, where we’ll all start working next week. Jenni finished her contract at her previous job and will be wrapping up the major renovations. This summer is going to be intense as we try to finish everything before the start of September. There are six of us helping now, including the rest of our friends. I have no doubt we’ll get it done.

"Go get ready. We’ll take care of cleaning up."

"Are you sure?" Lucy asks.

After several months, she’s finally comfortable enough to use informal speech with my mom, although you can still tell she’s not entirely at ease with it.

"Of course. Your friends are arriving soon, and we’re already ready. We don’t want to be late."

"Alright."

I wasn’t going to argue since she was offering her help. Lucy shoots me a look, but I just take her hand, ignoring it.

"See you later."

I lead her with me to our room, which is still a bit of a mess. My mom had brought over a few more things I had packed up at their place before I left. Since we’ve been out with them all week, I haven’t had time to sort it all out.

"We could’ve helped first."

"Stop complaining. We’ve been serving them all week. They can clean the kitchen for once."

She rolls her eyes but doesn’t say anything else. I start changing into the clothes I’d laid out the night before. Lucy smiles when she sees my school jacket.

"Already missing it?"

"Hey, I’ve always said I liked it," I defend myself.

"That’s true. It does suit you."

She winks, and I laugh. Once we’re both changed and have made the bed, we head to the bathroom to do our makeup. When we return to the living room, Mapi and Ingrid have arrived. We heard the doorbell ring earlier, but didn’t pay much attention since my mom and Joan were already in the living room.

"Good morning!" I greet them as we walk in.

"Ah, there you are. You look less stressed than what we were just told," Mapi teases.

"That’s because she cooked for the first time on her own this morning," Lucy announces from behind me.

"Hey!"

"Yeah, she’s not quite herself today," my best friend jokes.

I’m about to respond, but Lucy gets there first, turning me around and kissing me.

"We’re just teasing, love. It’s okay."

"Hmm..."

"Anyway, it’s time to go."

"Yeah..."

"Let’s head down," Ingrid says.

Lucy nods. They head out since they’re already ready. I sit on the couch to put on my shoes. Lucy, having slipped on hers quickly, crouches down in front of me.

"Everything’s going to be fine, okay?"

"What are we going to do if I didn’t pass?"

I feel a knot in my stomach just thinking about it. Lucy smiles, lifting my hand to her lips to kiss it.

"Well, you’ll repeat the year, and we’ll push back your art school plans to the following year. Grace said she’d wait for you, though she’d be a bit disappointed."

I nod, looking down. She strokes my cheek.

"Come on, babe. We don’t know anything yet. What matters most is that you gave it your best."

I smile softly and nod again. I then lift my head to meet her loving gaze.

"I was just wondering how you wanted to handle things once we’re there. Do you still want to introduce me to your friends tonight?"

I take a deep breath and shrug. I’m not sure, really. Lucy has officially left her job as an instructor, so I know we could go together. I had thought it would be more intimate to do it with just a small group. The other students don’t need to know about our relationship.

"I guess," I mumble.

She chuckles and stands up, kissing my forehead.

"I’ll probably meet up with my colleagues who will likely be there. I suggest we go separately at first, and we’ll figure it out if needed?"

This idea lightens my heavy heart. To be honest, I was mostly worried about keeping it together if I passed my exam.

"Yeah, that sounds good."

"Alright. Then I’ll ride with Ingrid. You can take my car if you want."

"You’re letting me drive?" I ask, surprised.

"Well, yeah. You’ve been driving it these past few days."

My smile widens as I take her keys. It’s true she’s given me the opportunity to drive her car. Lucy wants me to get used to driving again before we buy a car for me next year. It’s been great practice. Plus, it’s little gestures like this that boost my confidence. I’m starting to become independent, and it feels good.

"Thank you."

We kiss one last time before leaving the apartment. We stick to our plan and each drive separately. In front of us, Ingrid leads the way, though I know the route well by now, having done it many times with Lucy. She only lives a few blocks away. As we get closer, it’s clear today is a special day. There are so many cars parked outside. The street has never been this full. I take my time parking the car, just like Lucy taught me, in the first available spot. Then we step out. From a distance, I can see Lucy and Ingrid walking toward the entrance of the building.

"They’re not waiting for us?" Mapi asks.

"No. They’re going to see their colleagues first, and we’ll catch up with them later."

"I see."

She gives me a look that clearly shows she’s teasing me.

"What?"

"You know you won’t be able to hold it together, right?"

"Shut up."

She laughs heartily, wrapping an arm around my shoulders.

"Come on, I’ll escort you then."

I smile and nod. That works for me. With my free hand, I grab Joan’s, and we head toward the entrance. Unlike the first time I came here, the gate is wide open, although there are people there to greet us. In fact, it’s Wiegman herself, along with several professors I didn’t have.

"Abby! What a surprise to see you here!" she says as we approach.

"Well, I couldn’t miss my daughter’s results, could I?"

They exchange a friendly hug before she shakes all of our hands.

"Is this your youngest?" she asks, noticing Joan.

My brother immediately hides behind me, making me smile.

"Yes, this is Joan."

"He’s grown so much!"

"Oh, yes."

"Let’s hope we don’t see him here."

"We’ll make sure of that."

"And how’s Marcus doing?"

Not wanting to get caught in a long conversation, I quickly say:

"We’re going to head off without you, if you don’t mind. My friends are probably waiting for me."

"Oh, sure, no problem," my mom replies. "We’ll meet up later. Are you taking Joan with you?"

I glance at my brother, who nods eagerly. I chuckle and nod as well.

"Yeah, I’ll take him. He can stay with Mapi."

After agreeing, we continue. The anxiety rises as we walk down the path.

"Come on, relax."

"I’d like to see you in my shoes. If I don’t pass this exam, I don’t know what I’ll do."

"Lucy said it’s not the end of the world."

"No, it’s not, but it would push back a lot of plans between us."

"I’m sure you’ll pass."

That’s not even the question. I *have* to pass. It’s crucial. As we reach the end of the path, we finally arrive at the central building. It’s packed. We can’t even see the entrance. Luckily, it’s a beautiful day. There’s a light breeze, but it’s not bothersome.

"Wow. This place is huge. So this is where you spent your year?"

"Yeah," I reply with a small smile. "You haven’t seen anything yet. I’ll check with Lucy if we can take a tour later."

"That’d be cool! Is that where you did those famous laps?" she asks, pointing to our left.

I chuckle, nodding.

"Yeah, I know those pretty well, if you want to know."

"I bet you do," she teases.

- Over there, those are the classroom buildings, I said, pointing them out to her.

- And next to the fields?

- The gym. That, I said, pointing to the building in front of us, is the administration building. And the two buildings you see on the right are the dormitories.

- Wow. Which one was yours?

- The one in front. We were on the first floor. There's also the cafeteria behind it, but according to what Lucy told me, there will be a snack bar there soon. You'll get to see it.

She nodded with a smile. I could tell she was excited to be here. I understood her. After everything I'd told her, I'd have been in the same state. She looked around, trying to get her bearings. I did the same, but mostly to find my friends. There were so many people. I was surprised to see how many had come with someone. Lucy was probably right. It's an experience that marks the students, and they're proud to show where they were. That's how I felt with Mapi. My eyes eventually landed on Alexia, who was waving wildly until she reached us.

- You’re finally here. I saw Lucy and Ingrid arrive without you, and I was starting to wonder.

- Ona doesn't want to be seen with her just yet.

- For how long? Alexia giggled.

I rolled my eyes as they laughed together. Those two were getting along just a little too well.

- Where are they anyway?

- What, you want to join them already? Mapi teased.

- No. Just testing the waters. So?

Alexia smiled and nodded her head toward something behind me. I turned around to see Lucy with her former colleagues, and even Jenni was there.

- She ended up coming with you?

- Thankfully. She wasn’t too thrilled, but I didn’t give her a choice.

- Poor girl, Mapi teased.

I laughed softly and nodded. I got it, but I also understood Alexia perfectly. I felt the same way. I turned back to them, but this time I saw Lucy looking right at us. The others around her were deep in conversation, but she was fully focused on me. We exchanged a smile. I would’ve given anything to be by her side, but it wasn’t time yet.

- The others are over there if you want to join, Alexia said, grabbing my attention again.

- Yeah, good idea, I replied. I’m happy to finally see everyone again.

- They’re excited to see you too. Honestly, we were just waiting for you.

- Well, here we are.

We followed Alexia as she led us to the others. I ended up carrying Joan since he got shy around my friends. I couldn’t blame him. It was a lot of people, after all. It was the first time I’d been surrounded by so many people, but I wasn’t complaining. I liked my friends, and I planned to keep them close now that I was staying here.

- Ah! We were wondering if you’d come over, Alba greeted us.

- As if I’d ignore you, I chuckled. Hi, everyone.

- Well, you never know. You didn’t want to be friends with us at first, so we were wondering if you’d still talk to us now that classes are over, they teased.

- Fair point, but times have changed.

- That’s true.

I took the time to greet everyone individually. Mapi did the same, following behind me. She might have only met them once before, but she was so at ease with everyone.

- How did you accept your sister’s girlfriend? I teased.

- You knew? She seemed surprised.

- Like She wouldn’t? Alexia responded.

- Wait, so you know her?

- Well, yeah, I chuckled.

- Whatever, that’s not what’s important, Patri interrupted.

- Oh really?

I tilted my head as she nodded.

- We heard this is Bronze' last year. Since you were always with her, maybe you know something?

- Where did you hear that? I asked, frowning.

It was true, of course, but I was supposed to be the only one who knew. As far as I knew, I hadn’t told anyone. Did someone overhear us, or worse, see us together? Well, at this point, I guess it didn’t matter much anymore. Lucy wasn’t my supervisor anymore. She was just my fiancée now.

- Well, people came up to us thinking you were already here, Claudia continued. They saw her packing up on the last day, so now there are rumors.

- Oh, um...

I didn’t know what to say. Luckily, just then, a commotion started around us. Everyone rushed toward the notice board where the exam results were being posted.

- Oh! They’re putting up the results! Alba announced.

- Finally, her sister replied.

It had been a while since I’d felt this anxious. I felt sick to my stomach. Even back in high school, I hadn’t felt this way. Most of my friends rushed over to get a front-row view. Only Mapi, Alexia, and Leah and Alessia stayed with me.

- I feel sick, I confessed.

Leah burst out laughing.

- Come on, princess. It’s all done now anyway.

She was right, but I couldn’t help it.

- Well, I’m going, Alexia announced.

She led the way, and everyone followed. I turned to Mapi, who was happily playing with Joan, who I put down.

- Go ahead. We’ll wait here for you.

I smiled softly and followed the others at a slow pace. People were already reacting—some were exploding with joy, while others were crying. I didn’t know where to look, feeling completely lost. My eyes scanned the crowd, and I realized I was unconsciously searching for Lucy until our eyes locked. I relaxed instantly when I saw her walking toward me with a reassuring smile.

- Don’t be scared. I’ll go with you, she said as she reached my side.

- Thanks.

I bit my lip and let her guide me with her hand resting on my lower back. We walked together to my section, where I saw Alessia, Leah, and even Lotte screaming with joy. I figured everyone had passed. I would feel so awful if I was the only one who didn’t. We made our way to the front of the list as most people had already seen their results, making it easier to approach. I grabbed Lucy’s hand, squeezing it as hard as I could as I scanned the list for my name. I could feel my heart pounding, and finally, I spotted my name. I shifted my eyes slightly to the right, and as soon as I saw the result, I started to cry.

- I can’t believe it... I whispered.

- So? Lucy asked beside me.

- I... I passed! Oh my God, Lucy, I did it!

I literally jumped on Lucy, who wasn’t expecting it at all. She laughed as she caught me as best she could. Without thinking and not giving her time to react, I kissed her passionately. At first, she was so taken aback that she didn’t kiss me back. I almost regretted it, but she eventually responded, wrapping her arms around me. I hugged her back, burying my face in her neck.

- Oh my God. I can’t believe it. It’s all thanks to you!

- I wasn’t the one taking the tests.

- No, but without you, I wouldn’t have come this far, I said, pulling back to look at her. Thanks to you, I can now chase my dream and get into art school. And also, we can finally start our life together. I never imagined ending the school year like this.

Lucy smiled and kissed me again. I was sure everyone was watching, but I didn’t care. I was so happy that all that mattered was the two of us. It had always been like that from the beginning. Lucy took my hand and led me out of the crowd. Everyone was staring at us. At first, I felt a little self-conscious, which made Lucy laugh.

- I would’ve preferred to spare you this, but now we’ve got to own it.

- The last thing I’d ever be ashamed of is you, my love.

She turned with a smirk. I stopped in step and eagerly accepted her next kiss. She knew those words meant everything coming from me. A few months ago, I couldn’t even fully accept myself. When we finally made it out of the crowd, we rejoined Mapi and my sister, who had found Ingrid and Jenni. I left my girlfriend to jump into my best friend’s arms.

- "Guess who got their diploma, guys?!"

- "Yeah! Now that's some great news!" she exclaims.

I laugh with relief in her arms. All the pressure has finally eased away, making room for joy. I still can't believe it.

- "You really surprised everyone. People haven't stopped staring at us," Ingrid giggles.

Indeed, the stares don't stop. Not just from students, but even the staff. No one knew, but Lucy doesn’t seem bothered. She just shrugs.

- "As far as I know, we’re in the clear. I’m no longer part of this school."

I nod and savor a final hug from Mapi, which she surprises me with. She whispers in my ear:

- "I’m so happy for you, darling. You really deserve this."

- "Thank you," I whisper back.

Before I can fully part from Mapi, Alexia jumps on me next. I see our friends following, but for now, I’m waiting for her reaction.

- "We all made it!" she shouts. "We're going to have a blast tonight!"

She keeps screaming with joy as she runs over to Jenni, who struggles to catch her. And she, too, doesn’t hold back, kissing her girlfriend in front of everyone. After all, school’s over now, and nothing else matters. I also turn back to Lucy and kiss her again.

- "About time you two made it official," Leah teases. "Now we can finally get to know the commander for real."

- "You knew?" Alba says, surprised.

- "Come on, Alba, it was so obvious, »Misa tell her . "They were practically eating each other up with their eyes every chance they got."

I chuckle at her shocked expression while still clinging to Lucy’s neck. I exchange a knowing smile with Misa. I kind of suspected she had figured it out. In the end, not many people hadn’t. From what I can see, it’s only Alba and Patri who didn’t see it coming.

- "Maybe we weren’t as discreet as we thought," Lucy comments, noticing the same thing I did.

Everyone laughs because, honestly, I think by the end, we really weren’t. Still, when I went to see her in her office, it was genuinely to study. I worked my butt off, and it looks like all my effort paid off.

- "So, she’s the girlfriend you’ve had these past months?" Alba asks, still in shock.

- "Indeed. I said I’d come with someone tonight to introduce you all, but… well, I couldn’t hold back."

- "We called it! Mapi and I saw this coming ages ago," Alexia teases.

- "You’re dating Bronze. I can’t believe it. That’s insane!"

- "I’m not your instructor anymore. You can call me Lucy after all, we’ll probably be seeing a lot of each other."

- "Oh my God..."

I burst into laughter at her reaction.

- "What’s with all of you dating instructors?"

- "Hey, they’re pretty sexy," Mapi chimes in.

- "Wait, you too?" Patri exclaims, seeing my best friend hanging on Ingrid.

- "Yep. But I was never part of this school," she giggles.

I smile as Lucy kisses my forehead. I’ve finally introduced her. It was about time. She doesn’t seem as nervous as she thought she’d be. I imagine the situation feels strange for her, but thanks to Jenni and Ingrid, she’s surrounded by her friends.

- "What about the rumor going around?" Claudia asks. "Is it true you won’t be here next year?"

- "Yes, it’s true."

- "Really?" Leah says, surprised. "Did Wiegman find out?"

- "Yes, but that’s not why I’m leaving. I’m opening a gym with Jenni. And by the way, thank you, Alba, for your help. It was invaluable."

Poor Alba doesn’t know what to say. She’s just come to terms with Jenni and her sister, so I imagine it’ll take her some time to accept Bronze and me as well. But I have to admit, they’ve done a great job with Jenni. The kitchen was installed in the break room, but they’ve made the most progress in the locker rooms. They’ve revamped everything, installing new tiles, new shower cabins, and changing areas.

- "You’re opening it with Jenni?"

- "Yes," she replies with amusement. "So, if you really plan to lend a hand this summer, you’ll be seeing a lot more of me."

She’d been pestering Jenni to help, but from the look on her face, I sense he might change her mind soon. I can understand her reaction. Lucy is known to be intimidating here. At first, it won’t be easy for her to be accepted as my girlfriend. Or maybe... She finally smiles.

- "Well, at least I know my sister was in good hands all along... I guess I owe you a lot, too."

Lucy chuckles softly.

- "No, you’ve got it wrong. I hated your sister for a long time because of Jenni’s dismissal. It’s my relationship with Ona that made us friends, since they’re so close. But I can assure you Jenni takes great care of her. You have nothing to worry about."

She nods appreciatively, then looks at all six of us. I think she’s realized her sister is in good company now. She finally looks at me with a small smile.

- "You really don’t do things halfway when it comes to making changes. Making the commander bend, seriously."

I laugh, shrugging.

- "We both bent to each other. What can I say?" I reply, snuggling into my girlfriend. "I’m just glad you’re all okay with it."

- "Of course, princess. But now it’s time to let us into your little bubble."

- "No problem with that," Lucy responds. "We’ll start with tonight’s party."

They nod eagerly. In the end, everything turned out great. I’m so happy. Well, they don’t know yet that they’re now tied to Lucy for life after our engagement, but that’s a story for another time. They don’t need to know just yet. Lucy and I haven’t even picked a wedding date. Ideally, it would be next year, but with all the current projects, it might get pushed back. Neither of us wants to rush into it. What mattered was the commitment we made to each other. We wanted to make it official because we know we complete each other, and there’s no question of looking elsewhere. For now, the most important thing is to enjoy this moment together. We still need to pick up our transcripts, then grab a drink in the cafeteria to celebrate. After that, it’s time to unwind at tonight’s party at Leah house, but more importantly, to celebrate the beginning of our new life—life after Camp Wiegman. It’s clear everyone’s excited about it. I know I am. I can’t wait to live out my dreams alongside the love of my life. 

[creedslove]

HEARTLESS 💔 - PART SEVEN

Agent Whiskey (Jack Daniels x f!reader)

Summary: You and Jack have a real conversation for the first time and you find out he's more vulnerable than you thought

(This is the seventh chapter of the HEARTLESS 💔 series)

• PART ONE | PART TWO | PART THREE | PART FOUR | PART FIVE | PART SIX

Warnings: hurt, angst, hurt, angst, talk of past trauma, asshole!jack (but not really), mom!reader, and fluff because Wyatt is too cute

A/N: besties, I gotta confess 🥺 that I teared up writing this one, I don't know how you will all react, but my heart is broken for jack and reader 🥺

3.2k words

It was only evening when Wyatt finally showed signs of being tired. He loved Silver Pony so much and no matter if Jack showed him the other horses, he was hooked to your favorite girl, always clinging to her and stroking her soft fur. Silver Pony also enjoyed the affection, always hovering around the two of you gently, making your son giggle and reward both you and Jack with his sweet laughs. 

The cowboy didn't interfere, he just watched the two of you having fun, his mind wandering through his thoughts. For once, he didn't think of his late wife and their unborn son, instead, he kept thinking of you and Wyatt, wondering and picturing what life would be like if he hadn't made you go away, if he'd taken care of you while you were pregnant, he was sure you were glowing and looking gorgeous, he thought of what would it be like holding you at night, stroking your pregnant bump and talking to the baby in your womb. How he would shower you in presents and you two would get the baby's room ready together. He liked imagining taking care of Wyatt as a newborn, how he would probably be afraid of holding him and you would soothe him. You two would be so happy with your beautiful little family. He thought of all the celebrations and parties that could have happened on his ranch, your engagement dinner, your wedding party, Wyatt's first birthday and so on. It shattered his heart to think he had missed out on an entire life of happiness only because he was a bad person. 

He watched as the sun was setting and got up, gathering the basket and walking towards Silver Pony "I think we should head back, the sun is going down and Helen made us dinner…" he swallowed "it's your favorite sugar" he looked at you with his puppy eyes and you controlled the urge of rolling your own. It baffled you his ability of being a real dick and pretending nothing was happening, you were going to ignore what he said, but Wyatt smiled big "mommy happy?" He asked and you nodded, turning to Silver Pony "I'm very happy because I have you, my beautiful son, and also our gorgeous Silver Pony" she caressed down the mare's face and Wyatt whimpered as he couldn't reach it, so Jack quickly joined them, lifting him up and he imitated his mommy's gesture 

"I wove Silvew Pony… can we take hew home, mommy?" He tilted his head in such innocent way your chest tightened and you laughed softly at him "we can't fit her in our apartment baby, otherwise I'd love to take her with us, so for now she has to stay here" 

Wyatt pouted and nodded and then his face lit up as he had an amazing idea "can we wive hewe? With cowboy, mommy, Wyatt and Silvew Pony" he said happily and clapped his hands excitedly. Jack swallowed sadly and looked at you, you glanced back at him and licked your lips. As much as you wanted to punch him, you couldn't help but feel your lips tingling every time you remembered the kiss he forcefully imposed on you. 

"I would love for you and your mommy to live with me, big guy, but I think mommy likes the city, but you two are always welcome here, to spend the weekend or as long as you would like" he said and rubbed Wyatt's arm, seeing his skin was cold and they should probably get back inside. 

"Y/N… Wyatt is a little cold…" he said as he gently placed his big hand on your arm, startling you as you didn't expect his warm touch. "You're cold too. Here…" he told you, carefully handing you Wyatt as he took off his leather jacket and wrapped it around your body. 

You didn't say much as Wyatt snuggled you, clinging to your body and yawning as your warmth spread through his body. You also tried not paying attention to Jack's scent lingering all over it. It smelled like pine, a little bit of cologne, whiskey and him. It used to be your favorite smell in the whole world, but now it only left shattered pieces of your heart behind. You nuzzled Wyatt's curls and kissed his forehead, making him giggle as you two rushed inside as Jack stayed behind to take Silver Pony back into the stable. 

Helen greeted you at the door, you knew Saturdays evenings she went back to her home and would only come back on Monday, she was ready to go, but not without showering Wyatt and kisses and hugging you tight, telling you once again how happy she was to see you and how she wished you would come more often to visit them, you nodded and said goodbye, feeling happy to have seen the woman and placed Wyatt down. You took off Jack's jacket just in time to see him walk through the door and handed it back to him "thank you" you said in a low voice and turned to your son "now you're gonna get a nice warm shower, okay? So we can have yummy dinner" she told him, but he pouted and hugged his dad's legs, who knelt in front of him and stroked his cheek "mommy is right, buddy, you gotta do what she says, it's time for shower because no one likes a smelly cowboy" he winked and tickled his tummy making his son laugh. 

You nodded, surprised at Jack's reinforcement as you expected low of him after he displayed his true character towards you so many times. You just assumed he would always take the easy road in order to be Wyatt's favorite, but it was good he knew you should work as a team and not as rivals. 

You took Wyatt back to the guest bedroom you'd be having through the night as you would help him shower in the bathroom. He was excited to put on his horses PJs after showering, so he could show his cowboy friend how much of a cowboy himself he was. You chuckled, finding it amusing while Wyatt already got undressed by himself and got under the shower wanting to be over with it as soon as possible; though you tried starting it, no stream of water came out and you sighed, as you had no idea how to fix it, you wrapped a towel around your son and went to the stairs, calling Jack so he could assist you. He ran up the stairs as quickly as possible, excitement rushed through his veins as you were addressing him "what's wrong?" He licked his bottom lip and watched you intently

"Shower's not working" you informed him and he nodded and followed you into the bathroom. Wyatt giggled as he saw the cowboy, he shyly hid under his mommy still in his towel, waiting patiently while Jack took a look at things. 

"Seems like this cowboy will have to shower somewhere else and you too sugar. You can take the bathroom in my bedroom, you know where it is and you can use the tub as well" he said with an excited smile at Wyatt "how's that buddy? Would you like to be a water cowboy tonight?" He cooed at Wyatt who nodded excitedly "pwease mommy, i want to pway watew cowboy" he pouted and you agreed, heading towards Jack's bedroom - the one that used to be yours too. 

"I'll warm up dinner while you bathe him, sugar, unless you want my help…" he offered but you quickly dismissed. 

After Wyatt had a blast in Jack's tub and begged you to brush your hair to the side just like the cowboy's, the three of you had dinner together. Helen had been so kind to make your favorite dish, along with some nuggets for your son, who enjoyed every second of it completely oblivious to the tension between you and his daddy. 

Wyatt didn't take long to fall asleep on the couch after the amount of fun and activities he had during the week. He was so happy and enjoyed every single minute of the day and, though Jack sighed a little disappointed as he saw him already fast asleep

"I wanted to show him the bedroom I set up for him… Y/N please, I want Wyatt to keep coming here, you too, of course, so you can visit Helen and Silver Pony, but I know you hate my guts so I won't force you to come any longer, but I want my son around" he said as he sat on the edge of the couch and caressed his hair gently. 

"Why did you come back after so long? I don't understand… I know you've been providing us with money here and there and that you also watched us from afar, but why now?" 

You saw how tense Jack got as he looked down and took a deep breath, ready to speak but then changed his mind as Wyatt whimpered in his dream "this ain't something we should talk about in front of a kid, Y/N… go relax, take your shower and I'll tell you later" he said firmly and very gently picked up Wyatt, asking you to follow him down the hallway where he stood next to a door, which you remembered really well it was another guest bedroom, but apparently Jack had made it into Wyatt's room. He waited for you to open the door as his own hands were busy with your son and your heart warmed at how beautifully he had it made. 

It was of course, all farm themed, with paintings on the wall, all kinds of animal plushies and matching furniture. You knew your son would go crazy once he saw it and you couldn't help tearing up at how thoughtful that place was. Even if things were ruined between you and Jack, maybe he could be a good father after all. 

He covered Wyatt gently and pecked his forehead, turning to you and giving you another sad smile "you should go shower now, we can talk in a little while" 

                           •••

Jack waited for you to exit the bathroom in his master room with a glass of scotch in hands and sitting down in the armchair. He felt anxious at the same time he wanted to get things done with you as soon as possible. He knew you deserved the truth, as well as his apologies though he was sure you wouldn't actually accept them, still he had to try. He wanted his son around and he could only get it if you could stand him at least a little, because even if he had blackmailed you, he didn't want to bring lawyers into the game, he didn't want to take things to the court and cause you and Wyatt more distress. He hoped he could make things civil between the two of you and he knew the way of getting into it was being honest with you. 

He could hear the shower running and wondered why you hadn't bathed in the tub, as you loved doing it and very often invited him to join in with you. He felt a wave of lust hitting him, as he thought of all the time you'd spent there together, how you touched each other's bodies, your lips on him, your taste in his mouth, he was so happy and wasn't even aware that would end some day. 

He was so caught up in his thoughts he barely noticed the shower went completely silent and a few minutes later, you opened the door and walked out only in your underwear, completely unaware of him at first. He gasped and felt his mouth getting dry, not expecting such a beautiful sight for his sore eyes, he licked his lips and wasn't sure if he should make his presence known, though his presence was completely explicit as he was sat there a few meters from you, under the bright lights, you were just too distracted, and he knew exactly what had caught your attention: the picture frame he had in one of his shelves. It was you and Wyatt, on his first birthday. 

You didn't know how you missed it the first time you'd been into his bedroom earlier, taking your son to be bathed, but now you saw it: it was a picture of you and him. You didn't know how Jack managed to get his hands on that picture, but it was also quite shocking as you analyzed the rest of the furniture and the wall and you didn't find any pictures of his late wife. Why did he keep your pictures and not hers? It was another Jack Daniels mystery you weren't sure you wanted to find out. 

You knew you would have to put up some clothes and find him, he managed to make you curious and you didn't know until what extent he needed to tell you something serious or if it was one of his games, but once you turned away and walked to his bed to get the clothes you'd left there, you finally spotted him in the armchair. Your heart nearly stopped at the sight of him there, you didn't expect to see Jack and he looked almost as shocked as you did, not believing you were flashing him your body like that. 

"Fuck Jack, what are you doing here?" You raised your voice at him, anger and embarrassment formed a wave inside of you, as you immediately grabbed your towel and covered yourself. 

He swallowed hard and finished his whiskey, looking embarrassed himself and rubbed the back of his neck "I didn't know you would come out of the shower without clothes, well, technically you're covering your… body" he said choosing his words carefully "but I thought you'd be fully dressed and well, you look gorgeous, even better than what I remembered, if it makes you feel any better. 

You scoffed at him and shook your head 

"Gorgeous? You said I looked rough this morning, Jack… you don't have to pity me. Besides, don't forget you're older than me and with the way you drink, you can start kissing your pretty face goodbye real soon, so you will definitely look rougher than me" you spat at him, not caring if that was pretty at all. You caught a hint of hurt in his eyes and that made you feel really proud even if it shouldn't have, but he immediately shook his head and stared at you. 

"I deserved that" he chuckled dryly "but I didn't mean that, and I also didn't mean anything bad I told you before… I am a dick I know, but I knew you hated my guts after I made you leave and I thought to myself it would be easier for me if I just pushed you away, you hate me Y/N and you got all the right to do so, and I thought it would be less painful if I forced myself to believe I hated you too, maybe if I tried hard enough, I'd stop loving you and it would be easier to handle your rejection" he said feeling ashamed and looked down. 

You sat in the other armchair, the towel covering your body as you listened to his words 

"You don't look rough at all, you're as gorgeous as you were the day you walked out of my life, Y/N, you're not a bitch, and I won't get any lawyers, I promise you" he said with a small voice "I've been hurting you so you hate me more, because I will never be worthy of your love again, I lost you, but I don't wanna lose my kid, Y/N, please" he said honestly and watched as you just had a hard expression on your face 

"You know Jack, the first time I saw you, I was already head over heels, you were on a mission and I had no idea, but I saw you approaching that woman and throwing your charm and she refused you. It was kind of funny, but all I could think of was that if it were me, it would've worked, you would have me wrapped around your finger…" you said "and only at the end of the night you saw me… and then when we started dating, I found out you'd been married before, and that's the problem with you, I'm always your second option, and I will always be" you shrugged "it hurts… to know I'm not the woman that's on your mind, that whenever we do something special to know you are thinking of how much you'd like to do with her instead… I don't want my son to grow up knowing he is only here because you couldn't have your first option… I don't want him to feel he has to compete with a ghost, because that's how I felt… that's even how I feel Jack, because do you even hear yourself? You would never do this to your wife…. You would never try to push her away by being cruel like you are, if it were her, you would get on your knees and beg for her forgiveness" you said and got up walking to his bed and getting your clothes. You didn't want to talk to him anymore, you were tired of being that hurt, as you tried leaving, he got up and held you by your wrist, firmly, making it clear you were only leaving that place when he wanted you to 

"The reason why I wanted you and my son back in my life, is because I was shot on my last mission. I tried sabotaging the mission, but the other agent got suspicious and shot me. They took me back to Statesman and Ginger fixed me right, but she still needed to trigger my memory, so she showed me a picture of my wife, God bless her soul, and nothing happened" he licked his lips and stared into your eyes "so Ginger decided to show me a picture of you and Wyatt, and that was when everything came back all at once. Us, our relationship, our life here on the ranch. I was able to relive my memories once more, and when I got back to my senses, Champ forced me into therapy, and you know what the therapist concluded?" Your jaw dropped the moment you saw Jack had tears in his eyes, you had never seen him show that kind of emotion, he was really good at controlling his feelings and he didn't show that kind of vulnerability in front of anyone. You realized he'd asked you a question and as you swallowed hard, you shook your head, answering him. 

"The therapist said I replaced one grief with another; I finally let my first wife and son rest in peace and I was grieving the loss of you and Wyatt, because I couldn't handle the guilt of making you two go away, but he reminded me you two were very much alive and I didn't want to waste any more time, I just knew I wanted my family back, and that's why I beg you for a second chance, sugar"

_____

A/N: besties, I hope you have liked this chapter and let me know your thoughts, does this cowboy deserve a second chance?

[loveesiren]

𝖲𝗍𝖺𝗋𝖽𝗎𝗌𝗍 - 𝖢.𝖲. (𝗉𝗍. 1)

Synopsis: (Chris's POV) Chris would do absolutely anything to keep his best friend safe and happy.

Warnings: Language, small use of the word r*pe (nothing happens), alcohol/over drinking, fluff

Word Count: 2k+

Chris’s POV

My eyes were locked on her. I couldn’t help but smile as I watched the way she moved her body on the dancefloor. She was so effortlessly beautiful. She always had been. 

I was fascinated by her the second I met her at nine years old. It was the first time I ever felt any type of feeling for a girl. The way she smiled and waved at me from across the street as she helped her parents carry boxes inside. I couldn’t help but smile back. And when my mom insisted me and my brothers go help our new neighbors, I got choked up in her presence. 

But that’s a story I’ll reminisce about another day. Right now my job as her best friend was to protect her at all costs. Y/n had a lot of ups and downs in her life and I was by her side for every single one of them. But now that we were in our 20’s living in LA, free from the confines of our parents and hometown, she really loved to let loose and forget everything that ever happened to her. I loved watching her have fun but she wasn’t always the most graceful drunk. And if I’ve learned anything from the guys that frequent the sleazy bars and clubs downtown, it’s that they have no respect for women, which made my drunk and vulnerable best friend an easy target. 

So yeah, while my brothers and friends were also letting loose, I always had an eye on Y/n and remained close enough to her to rescue her if she needed me but not too close that I was hovering like an overprotective dog. 

Me and Matt both threw back a shot of whiskey at the bar. I checked my phone, it was 11:34 pm. Taking me all of two, maybe three seconds tops. I glanced back over to where I had last seen Y/n and Madi dancing but now Y/n was missing. I make my way through the sea of people towards Madi.

“Where’s Y/n?!” I yell over the music. 

Madi looks around. “I don’t know! She was just here!”

I could feel my stomach tighten as I looked around the room. She couldn’t have gone far, I only looked away for two seconds. My eyes landed on her new gold dress, she was barely able to walk, leaning on some random guy for support as he led her towards the exit of the club.

“Y/n!” I yelled, pushing past people to get to her as quickly as I could. I reached out and grabbed her arm, spinning her around to face me. “Y/n! Are you okay?!”

“Chrisssyyyyy!” She beamed and fell into me, wrapping her arms loosely around my neck. “I’m drunkkkk!”

“Yo, do you mind? I’m tryna get some tail!” The skeezy fuck that had his dirty hands on her said to me.

“Uh, yeah, I fucking mind!” I snapped back at him, pulling Y/n to my side. “Back the fuck up, homie!”

“What’s going on?!” Nick asked as he approached with Matt and Madi. 

I handed Y/n off to Madi. “This fucking sleaze bag was about to take Y/n home and fucking rape her!”

“I wasn’t gonna rape her, man! She said she was down!” He replied. 

“Does she look like she’s in any state to consent?!” Nick shot back at him. 

I could feel a heat rising in my chest as he eyed Y/n again.

“Looks like she takes it all the time!” The guy laughed and it triggered an immediate reaction in me. 

Before I even knew what was happening, my fist crashed against his jaw, knocking it out of place. He attempted to swing back but I was already two steps ahead of him, laying into him with everything I had.

“Chris!” Matt and Nick yelled simultaneously, grabbing my arms and pulling me away as a few other people dragged the guys limp body away from me. 

“Say it again, homie! See what fucking happens!” I was screaming at him. “Oh what’s that?! Can’t talk with a busted ass jaw?!”

“You three, out!” The bouncer yelled, grabbing me, Nick, and Matt and throwing us out the front door. “Get out of here before the cops show up, kid.” He said to me.

“I’m not leaving without Y/n.” I told him. 

“We’re coming…” Madi said, guiding Y/n out of the club. 

I took her into my arms once again and tilted her chin up to look at me. “Y/n, sweetheart. Look at me.” I said to her, it took a moment for her eyes to focus but once they did she smiled. “You okay?”

“Mhmm,” She giggled. “I missed you!” She had no recollection of what just happened.

I was annoyed with the events that just took place but her honey soaked voice always made me smile. “Let’s get you home, yeah?”

“Mmmmkay…” She agreed. “

“Is she okay?” Matt asked. 

“She’ll be fine. I’m taking her home.” I told them. “You guys can stay out if you want.”

“You sure you don’t need any help?” Nick asked.

“I got her. Go have fun. I’ll see you guys in the morning.” I said, crouching down slightly. “Get on my back, sweetheart.” I said to Y/n. 

She sloppily threw herself against me, wrapping her arms around my neck and I helped her onto my back. She was minutes away from passing out and since home was right up the street, I didn’t mind carrying her. 

“Alright…text us when you’re home.” Matt said. I gave him a mock salute and made my way towards my house. 

-

“Y/n, wake up!” I whispered to her softly as I let her down. “We’re home.” 

“Hmm?” She hummed.

“We’re home. Let’s get you to bed, okay?” 

“Chris, I don’t feel good…” She said.

“Are you gonna be si-” I was quickly cut off with the answer to my question as she threw up all over her new dress. “Fuck, sweetheart, come here.” I shifted her to the side so that she was aiming for the bushes as I held her hair back. “Just let it out.” She puked for a full minute before finally being able to catch her breath.

“I might have drank too much…” She said softly. Her voice was hoarse. 

She seemed so weak and pitiful. It broke my heart. I hated seeing her like this. “It’s okay, let’s get you cleaned up, okay? Can you walk?”

She nodded. I led her into the house and helped her downstairs to my room. I turned on the shower and grabbed her some towels. “I’ll grab you some clothes to wear. Do you want me to wash your dress?” 

“Yes please…” She said softly.

“I’ll be right back,” I said as I closed the bathroom door, allowing her to strip out of her dress and heels. I went to my dresser and grabbed my favorite t-shirt and a pair of basketball shorts. I also grabbed her a bottle of water. She already had her own drawer in my bathroom with all of her basic necessities. She stayed over all the time so I wanted to be sure she had everything she needed. I went over and knocked on the door. She swung it open, a towel draped around her body and mascara running down her cheeks. 

“Y/n, what’s wrong? Do you feel sick again?” I asked. 

“No. I’m just…I’m sorry…” She mumbled.

“Hey!” I said, taking her chin between my thumb and index finger, forcing her to look up at me. “Don’t be sorry. Everything is fine, alright?” She sniffled softly and I pulled her in for a hug, placing a soft kiss on her forehead. “Take your time, get cleaned up, okay? I’ll make you something to eat and then we can go to bed, yeah?”

She nodded in agreement and I smiled at her. “Here’s some clean clothes and water. Give me your dress, I’ll throw it in the wash. She handed me her dress and I moved to close the door. “Yell if you need me, okay?”

She smiled in agreement and with that, I left her alone to gather herself. I headed upstairs and threw her dress in the washer. I looked at all the cycle options with confusion, trying to decide how exactly this machine worked. I picked up my phone and texted Matt.

Chris: How do I work the washer?

Matt: What are you washing?

Chris: Y/n’s dress. She got sick.

Matt: Just put a little bit of detergent in, turn it to delicate and press start.

Chris: Thx bro

I put my phone down and sighed. I went to the freezer and grabbed a pizza, throwing it in the oven before I thought back on the events of the night. I couldn’t fucking believe how shitty some people were. What if I hadn’t caught Y/n in time? What if she ended up in that dude's car and he took her home to do God knows what? It made me sick just thinking about it. I looked down at my hand and noticed the dried blood on my knuckles. I didn’t notice it until now but the second I realized I had split one open I began to feel the pain. 

I went over to the sink to scrub my hands, hissing as the water ran over the gash on my knuckle, proving to be a lot larger than I had originally thought. I opened the cabinet above the microwave where Nick had dedicated a space to cures for any ailment. I pulled out the first aid kit and wrapped a bandage around my hand, using my teeth to tear the cloth. 

The oven went off and I pulled the pizza out, cutting it and throwing a few slices onto a plate. It was a regular cheese pizza but I knew it would help sober Y/n up a bit so she could hopefully sleep peacefully tonight. 

I grabbed a Pepsi and water from the fridge and made my way downstairs. When I got to my room, Y/n was still in the shower. I put her pizza and water on her side of the bed and grabbed the remote, flipping through the channels to find something decent to watch at this hour. I finally landed on Spongebob and thought that would be a good option to fall asleep to. 

I heard the shower shut off and I scrolled my phone as I waited for Y/n to join me in bed. It was another 20 minutes before she finally emerged from the bathroom. 

“Hey! How’re you feeling?” I ask her as I pulled the covers back for her to get into bed. She looked so cute with her braided hair and bare face with my t-shirt draped over her like a dress. 

“A little better,” She shrugged. “Less drunk.”

“Good. Let’s get some sleep, sweetheart.”

“I don’t even remember what happened tonight. I completely blacked out.” She said as she sat in bed and hugged her knees to her chest. 

“Don’t worry about it,” I said, pulling her into me. “Everything is fine. You’re here and you’re safe, okay?” She nodded and rested her head on my shoulder. She felt so weak and fragile. “Do you want some food? I made pizza if you want it.”

“Maybe in a bit,” She sniffles. “Can we just cuddle first?”

“Of course, come here.” I leaned back and Y/n rested her head on my chest. I dragged my fingers softly over her back, willing her to sleep while she had an arm and leg draped over me. 

In less than ten minutes I could hear soft snores escape her lips and I smiled. I felt like such a dick for losing sight of her. I had to keep reminding myself that she was here with me and safe. Nothing could hurt her now. 

She was an adult and she could do as she pleased. But I so badly just wanted to spend eternity with her here in my room where I knew I could protect her from all the evil of the world. She didn’t deserve the shit life has thrown at her and watching her drink her pain away broke my heart. I wish I knew how to help her…

Tags: @strniohoeee @daisysturniolo. @justangelheree @flowerxbunnie @recklesssturniolo @lustfulslxt @mangosrar @bluesturniolo333 @christinarowie332 @kenzieiskoolaid @sturniolopepsi @mattenthusiast @ilovecrazymen @sturnphilia @poopydroopt

[robinsno1lesbian]

Hehehe i thought of a way older!nancy would fit into the neighbor!robin AU and im thinking like nancy is friends with both readers parents and Robin, I’m thinking like readers mom is also a journalist and works with nancy and well Robin obviously knows nancy.

But like she starts coming around to readers house more and accidentally walks in on Robin and reader🫣🫣 and Robin is like freaking out because her best friend just walked in on her and her neighbors daughter, but instead Nancy points out something Robin is doing wrong, like reader is possibly bound/being choked and Nancy points out some safety issues and well…the rest is history 🫣

neighbor!robin x nancy wheeler x fem!reader

𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 1079

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: 18+ mature content! (MDNI), implied age gap (reader is 18+!!) , makeshift handcuffs, implied threesome, fingering, strap-ons, idk if that's a tw really but reader and robin get caught

𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞: literally screaming right now vix OH MY GOD- idk if this is still considered a drabble but enjoy <33 (also smut right below the cut so beware of that)

robin loves to make you scream.

and with how she’s pounding into you right now, you’ve got every reason to.

your arms are tied to your headboard, right above your head. you can’t move and you can hardly see, tears streaming down the side of your face. trails of mascara run down your cheeks, all because of how good it feels to be fucked mindless by robin buckley.

her belt has been wrapped around your arms multiple times, before she has tied it to your bed. you can hardly move like that, with no other choice left but to take all she’s giving you.

and god, she’s giving you plenty.

“oh my god robin, fuck”

her skilled fingers flick your clit before they return to your entrance, meeting no resistance at all as she dips them into you. your head falls back and your back arches when two of her fingers penetrate you. her digits are slim and long -much longer than yours- reaching depths you could never reach on your own.

you’re quite literally squirming beneath her, your body moving against her hand while she’s fucking you into literal oblivion.

you have lost all track of time, that’s how good she is making you feel. it must have been hours since she first entered your room and the aftershocks of your previous orgasms are still rippling through you.

and now your third one of the afternoon is about to flood your veins. the hot coil is already tightening in your lower abdomen, the sensation so good your eyes roll back in your head.

“f-fuck robin i’m almost- i-“ you cry. “you’re- you’re gonna make me cum again robin-“

but before she can push you over the edge by just one more thrust of her fingers, the door to your room flies open and you’re completely taken aback.

you're on the edge of cumming and yet your brain is no longer foggy with the build-up of your orgasm. you are thinking crystal clear now, fully capable of understanding that you and robin have been caught.

robin notices right after you do. she immediately jumps back and throws a blanket over your exposed lower body, leaving your breasts on full display to whoever has walked in on you.

“holy shit i- i’m so sorry”

the voice causes your head to spin; it is one you recognize. a voice you know all too well.

the person standing in your doorway is nancy wheeler.

of course, it is nancy: the two of you were supposed to meet up today. realization dawns on you, it truly must have been several hours of this.

and now you're spread out on your bed, hands still tied above your head, without a chance to cover yourself or robin. truth be told, there is no way to excuse what you've been doing.

"nancy oh my god" robin jumps up to stand in front of the bed, trying to get in the way of nancy's gaze. "this isn't- i can explain"

the sound of robin's voice is so unfamiliar. you've never seen her this freaked out, this scared. "look we- i mean i-" her voice is trembling now and even though you can't see her face from where you're laying, you know fear must be written all over it. never has she ever been this way around you.

"jesus buckley" you could be mistaken but is that amusement in nancy wheeler's voice? "don't worry about it" nancy's heels click against the floor when she steps closer. something in robin's posture changes too, like tension is released from her body. "i-" "shh" nancy hushes and cuts her off. she's standing right in front of robin now, staring up at here calmly. "i wanna show you something" her gaze meets yours for a second. "is that okay?" your throat has gone dry and it takes all your strength to speak up. "y-yeah" immediately, she looks back up at robin. "see the way you've tied her to the bed?" something about her words, about her being here and not minding one bit, does things to you that you can't seem to wrap your head around. you want robin, you know that now. but nancy? you didn't think your little sexuality crisis could get any worse than this. and yet...the way she's looking up at robin and her eyes keep glaring over at you...it makes you want her in ways you've only ever wanted robin before.

the question seems to catch robin off guard, as if she had expected something entirely different.

"uhm-yeah" she nods after giving your makeshift handcuffs a quick glance. "fun but...you can do better than that robin"

"what?" "listen" she crosses her arms. "i can walk out of that door and pretend this never happened. i can forget about this if that's what you want. pretend like i don't see the way you've looked at each other before..." nancy taps her index finger against her chin as if in thought.

"or you allow me to help" you don't even bother to stop yourself from nodding, causing both robin and nancy to look at you. "you want this?" robin questions. she grins sheepishly and you know she has already made up her mind. "y-yeah"

nancy steps next to robin and leans forward, her arms resting both of her palms on your footboard. "what is it that you want?" you watch when robin crosses her arms, tongue pressed against the inside of her cheek. she wants a show and you're willing to give her that.

"ruin me"

that is how you end up on your front, with your head pressed against the many pillows on your bed. both of your hands have been tied behind your back by nancy who is now kneeling right behind robin. robin, who is currently pounding into you at a brutal pace, both hands on your hips. you can't see either of them, but you can hear their voices. "see? that's much better isn't it?" nancy mumbles. "she's taking it so well too, god-"

"isn't she?" robin leans forward, causing the strap to sink even deeper into you. her front is pressing down on you, her lips the closest to your ear they could be. "such a good girl" "please" you babble. "please please please" all while you're throwing your hips back against her over and over again, fucking yourself on the strap. "i think she wants us" nancy chuckles. "and i think we should give her what she's begging for, don't you robin?"

[lovelovelovelovelove987654321]

One Year

A/N: Hey guys!!! Sorry its been ages and ages and ages since my last fic. Genuinely so sorry. Idk how I feel about this one and the next one I'm posting, so let me know what you think. I live off of comments, reblogs and likes btw!!! Also this is NOT BETAD. SORRY!!

TW: mention of sex, mention of pregnancy, mention of miscarriage

Simon stands next to you, hands shoved deep in his pockets. For a long while, neither of you says anything. After a few minutes, days, months, years, he breaks the silence with a mumbled "Remember when we got our first house?"

When you dont respond, he continues.

"You were so happy. I was so happy. We were young and in love and everything was good." He says 'we were in love' as if he ever fell out of love with you.

A deeply sad and bitter chuckle sounds from him.

"It was just a shitty flat. Not even safe to live in, probably. But it was ours." It was really yours, if he was being honest. Everything in his life was yours. But once he'd puttered about the place, tightening screws and greasing hinges, it felt like it could be a little bit his. Just a little.

He pauses, swallows, squeezes his eyes shut.

"I fucked you in every room of that house." His voice is hoarse, pained.

"We called it fucking because we wanted to be, I dunno, mature. Cool. But it was making love. Everything we did together was making love." His voice gets quieter and quieter before finally cracking.

"You got pregnant. It was the singular best moment of my life when you told me." He makes a choked sound, "A kid would have been lucky to have you as a mom. We would have been lucky to have a id. But luck was never on our side for long, was it?"

He shakes his head sharply, moves on.

"Remember when we bought our house? When we got married? When we went to the ocean for our honeymoon? I do. I remember every blissfully happy moment." He chuckles again, but this time its actually a slightly happy sound.

"Every time I looked at you I was struck dumb by how beautiful you were. How lucky I was to have you."

He snorts. "I say 'was' as if you ever got less beautiful."

"You always used to asked me if I was okay, if I was having flashbacks. But most of the time I was just stunned by how perfect you were."

He takes a deep breath, opens his eyes.

"Remember all our anniversaries? The flowers and the smiles and the photo albums and the extra kisses?"

He waits for a second, as if he expects you to say something. When you dont, he continues.

"I loved our anniversaries, but really they were just like any other day. We always loved each other. We would always go do things together."

His voice drops again like he's admitting something shameful.

"I dont know what to do with my days anymore."

He confesses. "I'm re-enlisting, I think. If they'll take me. Maybe as a training officer. Although I always did hate the rookies..."

He pauses, almost smiles.

"I remember whenever I came home complaining about them, you'd just give me a kiss on the forehead and say they 'just wanted to be me'." "I always told you that that was stupid, because why would anyone want to be me? I'm nothing."

"And you would always say 'you're mine' and then I had to agree: all the rookies probably did want to be me. Anyone would." The silence creeps back in, thick and suffocating. "I have too many things at home now."

He whispers. "Too many florals. I dont know what to do with 'em."

His voice is barely audible. "I miss you. I love you." He gently caresses your headstone and lets a few tears fall. Its been a year since you died, but he still visits you daily. After all, the both of you had promised to talk every day, even if you were mad at each other. Who was he to break that?

[all4yoi]

Dear Jongseong,

pairing › jay x fem!reader

sypnosis › [name] has only ever known pain ever since her mother's passing.. but whenever she's about to lose herself, jay has always been there to her aid and remind her that life isn't simply about pain.

cw › 2.23k words - lowercase intended, fluff, angst, friends to ??, usage of substances, reader vomits, mentions of death, reader suffers from depression, su!cide attempt (overd0sing)

notes › it's okay not to feel okay, if you're going through something and you feel like ranting, my inbox is always open for you. i've just finished five survive by holly jackson recently so if you see any quotes of her here ikyk 🤞

"i don't want to, pa! just leave me alone!" you exclaimed as you threw the pill bottle infront of your father, messing up your hair as you breathed heavily.

the older man sighed, rubbing his tears away behind his eyeglasses before stepping forward. "you have to take your antidepressants [name]. it'll make you feel better." he calmly said, picking up the pill bottle you dropped infront of him.

"i promise."

"no, no, no." came your slurred response.

the elderly man let his tears escape silently as he saw his only daughter break apart in front of him, making no move to chase after you when you ran up to your room. he wondered what had gone wrong. instantly came to mind: indeed, his wife had passed away. three years have passed, and even though he was beginning to accept that his family would forever be incomplete, as he saw his daughter suffering from severe depression, he wished misun would enter through the front door, embrace him and [name], and reassure them that everything was just a nightmare and she's alive.

but a bad dream wouldn't last for 3 years would it? as much as he wanted his wife back, he desperately wanted his daughter back more.

So he dialed the only person that he was sure could calm [name] down.

"of course, i'm on my way." jay ended the call and instantly dropped the controller carelessly on his bed before getting his keys from his table and left his room.

"stop right there young man, where are you going?" his mother asked with a raised brow, putting the glass of water down on the counter and waited for her son's reply. his distressed face went unnoticed. "it's 11:30 in the evening." she added.

jay exhaled, opening his mouth but no words came out. he didn't know why he was so nervous.. was it because he got caught leaving the house so late, or was it because his head was full of you, you, you and only you?

"well? if there's no good reason.." the woman trailed off, extending her hand out, her palm facing the ceiling and gestured towards her son's car keys. this somehow made him talk.

"it's [name]! her father called and- ..a-and she's not feeling well.. fuck why am i stuttering?" he whispered a quick apology when he saw his mother furrow her brows with his foul language. "she just- i don't know mom! she just needs me okay? and the more i try to explain the more she's hurting alone!" he blurted out, brushing his hair back frustratedly.

his mother stood there startled, before nodding understandably. "okay, drive safe.. stay the night there if needed."

he nodded, hurriedly left the house and practically ran to his car and drove off.

jay held his tears back, his grip on the steering wheel tightening overtime that his knuckles were turning white. this had been a routine for 3 years straight. he'll either be in his room, out with his friends, stuck in a frat party before receiving a call from your father, and every single time.. he dropped everything and everyone who he was with to run to your aid.

he reminisced the past where everything was still all right. your mother and his sitting on a bench while the two of you pushed each other on the slide, or sneaking out and eating ice cream at a 24/7 convenience store. it hurt him that his best friend's whole word was taken away from her just like that, but he also didn't want to lose his own. he wouldn't forgive himself if something had happened to you. you were his job, his responsibility.

jay slammed the door of his car shut, running towards your house's front door and ringing the doorbell. instantly, your father opened the door, shooting jay a thankful smile. if jay had noticed the tear stains on the man's slightly wrinkled face, he didn't make it obvious.

"she's at her room, but she's locked it. it's been so quiet, and i'm so worried jongseong." with that, jay ran up the stairs and pressed his ear on your bedroom door once he has reached it.

and just like hajoon said, your father, it was quiet. too quiet for his liking.

"[name]?" knock knock. no answer

"it's seongie, can you let me in?" four knocks, still no answer. he was getting impatient.

jay didn't want to think the worse but he began pounding on your door, literally shouting your name again and again. his voice was cracking and sweat began forming on his forehead.

"call 911, please!" he shouted for your father who was already dialing the hotline. jay rubbed his face before breaking your doorknob.

once your door was open, jay's breath hitched at the sight of your body laying on the floor, unconscious. he had been too late. but he still ran to your side, pulling you up and tried shaking you awake.

it took him a moment to spot the pills on the floor beside where you were previously lying and shoved his index and middle finger in your mouth hastily, realization dawning him.

"i need you to throw up [name], come on, please." and once you've spilled your guts on your bedroom floor the paramedics has already arrived, the blue and red lights filling your room through the opened windows. jay choked back a sob, cradling your body. "you're okay, you will be."

he didn't know if he was reassuring you or himself.

"if i had just, chased after her." hajoon cried, his body shaking. jay's father pulled hajoon up, telling him that they should get some air together. hajoon complied and left the hospital with jay's father.

after the ambulance took you away, jay immediately informed his parents and they insisted they should be there for you and your father too.

"she'll be alright, jongseong." his mother rubbed his back. he didn't know why, but those three words angered him.

"she just overdosed herself with drugs and you're telling me she'll be alright?"

"well, i'm trying to be positive here!"

"well," he mocked, "it's not helping!"

jay has always been a mama's boy, so his sudden outburst shocked the both of them.

his mom exhaled and stood up with her purse, deciding to be the bigger person. "i'm going to get some food, call me if you need anything."

right when his mother left, a nurse approached him. jay instantly stood up, awaiting for the woman infront of him to start speaking.

"good evening, is any of miss [name]'s parents around?"

"nevermind that, is she okay? will she be okay?" the nurse blinked at him before nodding.

"yes, she will be. you were just right on time and it was a very smart move to make her vomit.. though we aren't sure when she'll wake up.. you can visit her right now if you'd like." jay felt like crying in relief, he thanked the nurse before entering the room you were admitted in.

he swallowed the lump in his throat and sat down on the chair beside your bed, the beeping of the machines were the only noise inside the room. jay didn't like seeing you like this, with all the wires hooked to you and your face scarcely displaying any color.. but at least you were at ease, finally, after three years, you were now experiencing tranquility rather than anguish.

"i'll wait for you.. but don't make me wait for too long, okay?"

it has been exactly 2 weeks since that night in the hospital. jay hadn't been himself ever since, he would space out during lectures, staying up all night hoping he'd get a call from the hospital or your dad.

jay was seated in the cafeteria with his friends when he received a call from your dad. he immediately excused himself, answering the phone as soon as he stood up.

"she's awake, jongseong."

that was all he had to hear before he was taking his backpack from the table, ignoring the questions from his friends.

sunghoon: dude if u were skipping u could've taken me w u :<<<

jay: shut up

jay: [name]'s awake

sunghoon: oh shit fr??

sunghoon: k dw we'll cover for ur ass

sunghoon: drive safe and send our regards to your gf ❤️❤️

jay entered the room silently and he had to hold back himself from tackling you in a hug and just cry on your shoulder, but he remembered this wasn't about him.

"hi." he whispered, sitting down on the same chair he last sat on and placed the food he ordered on the way on the table beside your bed.

your lack of response made him gulp. slowly, you looked at him, unshed tears resting on your tear ducts.

jay cooed, "oh, [name]," and got to his feet, embracing you. he stroked your hair while he resisted crying himself, and let you cry on his favorite shirt.

"please don't cry." he said in a whisper and pulled your head away gently, wiping your flowing tears with his thumbs.

"i-.. i'm sorry, jongseong." another sob from your throat escaped.

"you have nothing to apologize for."

"i almost left everyone.. left you."

he shook his head and gave you another hug, putting his lips on top of your hair as you whimpered inwardly, "but you didn't, and that's all what matters now."

"[name]?" you hummed in response, your breathing finally going back to normal. you did no movement to pull away from the embrace.

he pulled away, caressing your cheek, asking, "promise me you wouldn't do that again?" you simply nodded, and he smiled sweetly in your direction. he placed a chaste kiss on your forehead, "good."

jay stayed by your side the whole day, feeding you, entertaining you, showing you jungwon's his notes, and filling you in with everything you've missed for the past 2 weeks.

it was the first time jay had seen you smile so much after 3 years, and he felt content, knowing he was the one who was able to make you happy like this.

the both of you were happy, until it was time for him to go home.

with his hand playing with your fingers, he murmured in a lovely voice, "i'll come back tomorrow with the boys after school, i promise." once more, he gave you a tender kiss on the forehead before releasing you.

he was about to leave the room, but your voice stopped him.

"hey, jay?" he turned towards you with a questioning gaze. "the night that i.. i- uh, wrote something for you." you played with the folded paper, avoiding his gaze.

"i don't think i want to read that [name]." he said breathlessly, shaking his head.

"please, everything i've wanted to say to you is in here. please read it, if you don't.. well, i won't stop trying." you blinked at him, finally looking up at him. jay gulped, wetting his lips before accepting the paper.

"it's nothing bad, i promise." he nodded, squeezing your cheek before finally leaving the room with a wave.

when his mother asked, "how was she?" once he got home, he simply gave her a peck on the cheek and responded, "she's fine," before heading up to his room.

he practically threw his bag on the floor before sitting down on his bed, opening the folded paper with shaking hands.

dear jongseong,

i'm writing you a letter because i don't think i'll ever be able to tell you everything i want to say to you if i said this in person.. first of all, thank you, for absolutely everything. for being there in the wake and letting me cry on your shoulder, for tolerating me for 3 years.. i know at one point you were probably so tired of seeing me ruin my life. taking substances, skipping school, shutting you and my dad out.. i'm sorry, i was a fool of thinking i'd forget everything if i took those.. i thought i'd be okay on my own. so thank you, for always being there whenever my dad calls, i've heard every single thing you've said to me when you thought i was knocked out, and i love you too, seongie. but it's so scary, i'm so scared of love, i'm so scared of you being taken away from me, just like how mom was taken from me. jongseong, please never leave me, i don't know what i'd do without you, you and dad.. you're all i have left, please help me. please don't ever stop helping me until i get better, i appreciate you so much and i love you so much. i'm so thankful for you and at the same time i'm so fucking sorry. am i selfish for wanting an ending that's just you and me? i promise i'll be better, for you and for dad, and for me too. i don't know if i'm still here once you've read this, but if i am, please run back to me. please come back and never leave my side. i love you, jongseong, forever and always.

yours forever,

[name]

[igncrxntripley]

Hey hey.. it’s your fav Dominik simp 😮‍💨

It’s Mother’s Day in the UK and I lost my mother unfortunately soooo I was wondering if you could do some Dominik comfort if you’re feeling it?

(I’ll end up re reading jd smut anyway but I thought I’d ask 🫶)

loss

a/n: literally anything for you ❤️ i hope this makes your day, sending you all the love!!

synopsis: dominik comes home to comfort you on one of the most difficult days of the year.

tags: SFW, grief, loss, mention of death, crying, fem!reader

Nothing about Mother’s Day was easy for you; a holiday you once loved celebrating turned into a memory after you lost your mother almost a year ago. Dominik knew this day was difficult as well and he wanted to do everything in his power to make you feel at least a little bit better, but he also knew it was going to be difficult. He did his best though by sending you a voice message early that morning, as did your other close friends and family who knew how difficult today was going to be for you. 

You’d found yourself on the couch for the majority of the day waiting for Dominik to get home from the airport. You had a box full of pictures and anything sentimental relating to your mom in front of you, curled up in her favorite blanket as you sorted through pictures. Even though there was a smile on your face getting to see her in some of your favorite memories, that didn’t make it hurt any less. Tears rolled down your cheeks the entire time, and eventually you stopped holding back the quiet sobs that threatened to leave your lips. You didn’t even hear Dominik open the front door. 

When Dominik walked in and saw you, his heart broke immediately. He wanted to be home from the moment you woke up but he also had to work with a busy travel schedule. Luckily he was able to get home as soon as management would allow him, but that didn’t make him feel any less bad about it. Dom’s face fell when he heard your soft cries and he abandoned his bags by the door. “Babe…” he said softly, watching you turn your head to look at him as he made his way to the couch. “Dom, I-I…” you started to say, but Dominik shook his head in response and sat next to you on the couch. As soon as his arms were around you, you started to sob even harder. 

“I know, baby. I know.” Dominik whispered into your hair as he let you cry into his chest. He shifted your body so it was in his lap and his grip tightened on you. “It’s n-not fair.” You cried, and he nodded in response. “It’s not fair. But we’re going to get through it.” Dom responded, running a hand through your hair as his body slowly rocked back and forth. 

Eventually your sobs died down into sniffles, your hand reaching over to grab some pictures of your mom that you’d been looking at before. Dominik looked at them with you, letting you sit in a comfortable silence to grieve your loss. “She would’ve loved you.” You told Dom softly, making him give the tiniest smile into your hair. “She always told me to find a strong man to take care of me.” You looked up at him, his thumb coming up and wiping the tears from your cheeks. “I have a feeling I would’ve loved her too.” Dominik said softly. “Show me some more pictures of her.”

You spent the next few hours sorting through pictures with Dominik, telling him all about your family and the moments behind those pictures. He got to see birthday parties, special events, holidays, anything that was sentimental. He also got to tease you for the pictures of younger you, and you made a mental note to get payback for that later. 

Dom spent the rest of the day doing things with you that made you happy; he cooked every meal, watched your favorite tv shows, and ran a hot bath for you that you asked him to join. As you two laid in the tub, bubbles surrounding your bodies and you leaning back into his chest, you looked up at him with a smile. “Thank you for everything.” You said softly as Dom leaned down to kiss your nose. “Anything for you, baby.” He said, his fingers dancing on your skin under the water. “I know I can’t fix it, but I’ll do whatever I can to make it better.” You leaned up to give him his own gentle kiss, smiling for one of the first times that day. “You did a pretty good job.”

[fellty]

discovered energy drinks recently. diary entry ahead

still figuring out my future, some health stuff as me evaluating life with the perspective that it could be short, though, it's not a huge concern yet and things are still very treatable. but, it is a concern to me, since the chance still looms in my head like a heavy stone. i like to think about the worst possible scenario, and roll as if it was a real reality, since then i've done the mental work to a degree, and well, i guess i want to have peace with that possibility (though, i will say, doctors have said right now the chance is low. it's just scary? who wants a chance like that at all?)

if i'm to take my health seriously, and think about my time being short, then i'd have spent a lot of time avoiding art because it made me uncomfortable, and then avoiding being uncomfortable by avoiding art. facing yourself on the canvas is a big task. my mind lives there, you know?

Synthesizing my sense of depression around not working on art, and also, my discomfort on working on art, has been a hard task. Autism floats around in there with masking having me wonder how much to be myself, especially online! how much is right? how much to be me? and at what cost? a prickly little balance.

all of that seems to live in my shoulders and back. my muscles tighten harder, my shoulders concrete and my lower back steel. what a cost masking has. i'm happier when i see rubber kitten roleplay than when i see ten people clutching pearls around it. if they're free, then i'm free too. (hell, the freedom to scoff and move on vs worrying they'll be attacked by a group with hammers.)

i think there is a certain discomfort in getting to know yourself if you're constantly in a state of moral panic about what being yourself even means to others. being predisposed to people pleasing as a kid has made moral panic on the internet a minefield for my mental health.

i think i figured why i never tried to become a doctor or a lawyer and doubled down on being an artist. 1) I really love art, and 2) i wanted to become something my dad could love as myself. i took that as a challenge, i could be better, smarter, but also i got burnt out quickly because i had to figure it out by myself. hating myself when i made mistakes was a natural outcome, because those mistakes were what made my dad dislike me. if i could eliminate those mistakes, then, i would be loveable, right? i accepted readily i was in the wrong, i was ready to be loved! every child is. hating myself was a mechanism of protection, i could be loved soon! wholly! if i was just better! lots of hope lives here, hope for a better me and a better world. the pain of that runs so deep, because as the mistakes pile up, with no hand to guide, and only scorn to give, you realize being small, silent, and still is the best course of action. it feels, safe.

the thing is that, that's not a reality where natural improvement exists. my dad didn't want a kid, and then had to contend with the reality that he had one. now what? i exist. i have all the same features you have that traumatized you growing up, that you never really contended with with a sense of love for yourself. i am so equally my mom and my dad, it's painful and freeing. i understand them, but i won't be them. I will heal myself and love myself.

it's uncomfortable. my parents react to a broader societal and generational trauma around mental health, my class room reacts, adults react, and pass it to me. there's such a mesh of pain i wish I could lift it all. i can only try and lift it in myself and not reinforce it in others, to celebrate others joyfully as they lift it in themselves. whewh. what a task.

it's uncomfortable to sit with that lore undigested while i draw. but i think the other reality i face is that if I don't actually dismantle that in me, i'll just be in pain forever. i want the life i wanted, i feel stubborn about it especially seeing other people live it with joy. me too!! i want this for me too!!

[whatisreggieshortfor]

Daddy

(Not sexual. Don’t even think it.)

Inuoka x gn!sugawara!reader

Your brother had been a blessing.

You had just planned to celebrate acceptance for your doctorate program, go out for the night, and… nine months later you had a baby you had never planned on. The other parent wanted nothing to do with him, so Eijirou was yours, and yours alone.

It was such a stroke of bad luck to your mom- you had always been the good child. Always careful. Always working hard. You graduated high school early while taking college courses.

You were years ahead on your career path than all of your peers.

But once you held your son, you didn’t think it was bad luck at all. You were burning yourself out along the way, and that small, fragile being reminded you to appreciate little things and live your life while you can.

But you also worked twice as hard so you could give him the life he deserved.

Your brother was like a guardian angel. While you changed to night courses to complete your degree, Koushi moved into your apartment. He took care of your son while you went to class, would spend his days off with him so you could catch up on sleep. He never complained, raising Eijirou like a son rather than a nephew.

But eventually your degree was finished. You needed to find full time care so you could work during the day when you were needed. Koushi loved Eijirou nearly as much as you did, but he taught kindergarten. Eijirou wasn’t old enough for school yet- he was only three.

So instead he found you a day care, apparently a kid he used to play against in high school was one of the teachers, but what mattered was that your brother trusted him. And if Sugawara Koushi trusted someone to take care of the kid he loved like his own, they were probably a safe bet.

So you marched into the office, hoping to enroll your son on your day off.

And you met Inuoka.

As he looked at the forms you’d filled out, he muttered to himself, “Sugawara… why does that sound so familiar.”

“You’re probably thinking of Koushi. He went to Karasuno.”

“Right!” He grinned, “The setter. I only had a year against him, is he doing okay?”

“Oh, he’s great!” You smiled back, “A teacher at a local elementary school actually.”

“Glad to hear it.” He seemed so nice. No wonder Koushi liked him. “Your son’s name is Eijirou?”

“Yes.”

“And it says that you need day care services as soon as possible?”

“Not every day but…” you sighed, “Honestly, I raised him through getting my degree, I have to take whatever shifts the hospital schedules me for, at least until I prove myself, and Koushi can’t watch him during school hours.”

“That’s no problem.” He stood from the desk, gesturing out the door, “Let me show you around, you’re welcome to bring him by first thing in the morning to start here.”

Inuoka showed the school with a childlike enthusiasm that reminded you of Koushi, it was obvious why he wanted to work with kids.

But where Koushi made you feel familial pride, you could feel your chest tighten around Inuoka. So you shoved that feeling away.

You were not going to crush on your son’s day care teacher.

But that didn’t stop you from gushing to your brother about who cute he was.

From the first day for weeks Koushi took to dropping your son off at day care, most times he picked him up too. Sometimes you were able to, mildly flirting in joking ways. Just some fun banter.

The trauma head worked you to the bone so much in the first few months of residency that even though you were technically at work during the day, you felt like you forgot what the sun looked like.

No matter the time or level of exhaustion, when you finally made it home you would spend playing with them.

It never occurred to you that people misread your family situation until you finally got an afternoon free and went to pick up yourself.

Inuoka saw you before Eijirou did, sending him to grab his lunchbox, “I wasn’t expecting to see you today.” He laughed, “Your husband has been around so much.”

“My-“ you snorted, “No, no, god no. Koushi is my brother.”

“Oh.” His eyes widened, cheeks flushing in embarrassment, “I am so sorry.”

You waved him off, “I don’t know if you remember him- Daichi? The old captain at Karasuno back when Koushi played? They are dating.”

“That makes so much sense.” He smacked himself on the forehead as Eijirou came running back out.

“Bye daddy Inuoka!”

It was your turn to burn red, “Eiji! How long have you been calling him that?”

Your son cocked his head, “What’s wrong? Uncle Koushi says I can because you want him to be!”

“Oh, that’s it. Say goodbye to Uncle Koushi when you see him because I’m gonna kill him.” You huffed air, terrified to look at the teacher that still beside you after your son’s exclamation.

He just knelt down to Eijirou’s eye level, “Usually people are married when you use words like that, bud.”

But your son was nothing if not a traitor, “But I’ve heard you talking with Miss Yei! You said you like (paternal address) and think they’re pretty!”

Inuoka turned nearly as read as his old Nekoma uniform, but he powered through, “Then how about we start with me asking them on a date, and we’ll go from there?”

“Can I come?”

You could’ve sworn your brother described him as easily flustered and awkward and shy back in the day. But right now he shot a smirk your way. “If they say they want to go, I don’t see why not.”

Great. So much for not crushing on the day care teacher.

(By the time Eijirou was old enough to sit in Koushi’s class, Inuoka had proudly taken the title of his dad.)

Masterlist

[discoveriesoftheself]

Miss Della

Summary: Louie and Della have a major argument, and Louie goes to his safe space.

Rating: General Audiences

Archive Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Word Count: 998

Also Available On AO3 !!!

There was a quiet thump as Louie lay back on the surface of the roof. The stars shone brightly above him, and he sighed.

This was exactly why he avoided Della in the first place. And not just talking to her, but talking about her.

He hadn't even meant to start anything this time.

"Just go to bed, okay? And clean up your mess first! No tricking your siblings into doing it."

"Yes, Miss Della." He rolled his eyes, missing Della's expression getting even angrier than before.

"What did you just call me?"

Everything blurred after that. He meant to listen, really, he did. But she just kept yelling and no one was defending him and he didn't even know what he did wrong.

The next thing he knew, he was on the roof.

He always ended up here. Staring at the moon. He used to stare at it for hours, wishing Della would just come home. Now, though he'd never admit it out loud, he sometimes wished she'd go back.

Those thoughts didn't make him feel any better. What kind of son can't call his mother 'mom'? Or wishes she weren't even there?

He had gone to the roof that night to count. Maybe the stars he could see from there. Maybe the streetlights no less than a mile away. But it seemed the entire world was against him tonight, as the clouds were dense, and it was clear he wouldn't be seeing more than three feet in front of him for the rest of the night.

So he just layed there, looking for something, anything, to keep him calm. Every now and then his breath would hitch, and his hands would tighten around the fabric of his hoodie so tightly it hurt because the only thing that mattered was he didn't start crying again.

He wasn't sure how much time had passed, but all too soon he felt someone step onto the roof behind him.

"This isn't our room."

"Go away Holli." Louie drawled, covering his face with his arms.

"Lou… Come on. Talk to me."

"Why? So you can go tell mom and be her favourite kid? News flash, it's neither of us."

As a moment passed without an answer, Louie moved his arms, peeking through his hands at Holli, who was staring at him with some emotion he couldn't place. (Seriously, how did people just read faces???)

Whatever it was disappeared as faer face hardened. "Here," Holli tossed something towards him, (his phone, he realised) and he caught it haphazardly, eyes widening as he saw the number ready to call on the screen.

"I don't-"

"It's fine, L. I'm not gonna tell Mom." Fae smiled tensely as fae lowered faerself onto the roof, laying down next to him. "I'm not gonna pretend I understand, but you're my little brother. I trust you."

Unable to come up with an answer to that, Louie simply sighed.

"She's super mad at me, isn't she?"

Holli laughed quietly, "Majorly. She stormed around the main hall for 10 minutes before Donald got her to go to bed.

"And Dewey?" He asked quietly, his breathing turning a bit shaky when he didn't get an answer right away.

"He's just… really confused. He's so happy to have her back that he'd do anything to make her happy," Fae started carefully, "But we're triplets, Louie. I promise we're always gonna choose you, even if it might take Dewey a second to remember that.

Ignoring the stinging behind his eyes, he moved closer to Holli, laying his head on faer shoulder.

"Promise?" He whispered.

"Promise," Holli said. "Always."

"M'kay."

The two sat there for a few minutes, until Louie was mostly calm and Holli squeezed his hand, standing next to him.

"I gotta go before Dewey comes looking for us. I'll keep our window unlocked, but if you need me to cover for you tomorrow just text me, okay?"

Louie nodded. "Thanks, Holli."

He watched as Holli ducked back into the window, shutting it mostly behind them. Taking one more deep breath, he stood up, picking up his phone, and dialed the number.

The phone rang twice, being picked up before he got a chance to get anxious that she might not be awake. The line stayed silent, clearly waiting for him to say something.

"Aunt Goldie?" He said, cringing at how his voice cracked.

"Sharpie? You don't sound too happy."

He laughed through the tears that somehow found their way back to his eyes. "Yeah, thanks for noticing."

"No problem, kid. Now what do you need?" He smiled at the sarcasm in her voice.

"I was just wondering if uh-" He paused, attempting to swallow the lump in his throat. "Are you in town right now?"

"Do you need me to be?" She questioned.

"Not if you're busy, it's fine."

"Never too busy for you, you know that. Tell me what's up."

"Can you…"

He paused, looking back at the window as if someone would come looking for him. Seeing it empty, his face hardened.

"Can you please come get me?"

For a moment he hears nothing but the shuffling of papers and the clink of what he assumes are either keys or knives. (The fact that it could reasonably be either never fails to make him laugh.) After a minute of that, he hears the click of a door closing, and then footsteps.

"I'll be there in 10 minutes, shut off the cameras and meet me at the front gate."

Feeling the tension leave his shoulders, he sighed. "Thank you"

"Anytime, Sharpie."

He lowered the phone, his finger hesitating over the 'End Call' button.

"Aunt Goldie?" He whispered, lifting the phone back to his ear.

"Yeah?"

"I uh… I love you."

He heard the crunching of the leaves stop on the other side of the phone, and then nothing for a minute.

"… Love you too kid. Now hurry up with those cameras."

He laughed again, easily this time. "I'm on it."

[ruminate88]

Digestive problems after emotional abuse:

I was completely in the dark about my digestive health…… When I was texting my ex Andrew, there was times he would ignore me for days or hours, but then always come back and act like everything was fine and so if I was out in public with family and Andrew was upsetting me, I would go to the bathroom to text him and find myself just in there forever, trying to find the right words to say to him, to express my feelings and try to make him understand me, but I know now he was NEVER going to understand me because he didn’t really care about me. He was just using me for my nudes..

And family would make comments to me like “Why do you take so long in the bathroom?” 😳😓😣 and of course I didn’t want to talk about Andrew to family because I knew they would want to see pictures of him and talk to him and meet him and I had already tried to meet Andrew’s family but he said he wasn’t ready yet. He said he wanted to “get to know me more, but he promised me he was going to introduce me to his mom and dad” and I was waiting so patiently……

so in using the bathroom during those times to text Andrew, I can’t really say I remember if my digestive health was doing good or not because my whole focus was on keeping peace with Andrew, keeping it a happy relationship and not pushing him away. Not upsetting him and making him ignore me again cuz every time he came back to me, I was more on eggshells wanting so bad to keep him!!!! because when he was actually spending time with me, I was so happy and I didn’t want the happiness to end, but it always did!!! 😔💔

Also, I don’t like to talk about Jake much because it’s just too much, but Jake for YEARS was very critical of me most of the time always showing up after a break up pretending to be my “friend” who cares so much about me but yet he was consistently putting me down and I didn’t know why he was bullying me so much. So of course that kept me in survival mode. I just didn’t understand it back then.

Not until I’ve blocked Andrew AND Jake, got married to a guy nice and then Covid happened, then my eyes opened to the fact that I had been losing hair and that it’s like my gut just gave way. I started to have so much burning in my esophagus and no one knew why…… I randomly lost over 25 pounds within two weeks!! I tried to seek out a doctor, but it was during Covid and so it was hard to see a doctor in person and I started trying different medicines and of course I couldn’t eat so I lost even more weight!!! (I wasn’t a big person to start with)

After I learned about emotional abuse and learned about “flight or fight mode”, “survival mode” and then what happens when you get out of that and start to relax. Your body basically stops tightening so much and can make your gut relax but also give way. (I can’t explain it, I’m not a health expert so don’t just take my advice only. This is what what I’ve experienced.) anyway, I then began to treat myself a little differently now that I know that it’s most likely digestive issues.

i’ve started taking various vitamins, including magnesium citrate. I’m taking it in a powder form where you pour it into water and drink it, and that has helped a lot, and I was taking a probiotic digestive gummy, which I didn’t realize how much it was helping until I stopped taking it and now suddenly I’m having digestive issues again… coincidence much? For the most part, I’ve been able to eat whatever I want, but within reason, and there is certain foods, I’ve stayed away from as they are very hard to digest.

I’ve seen videos of testimonials where women say they got “sick” after or during emotional abuse but when they go to the doctor, the doctor can not find anything wrong with them … so that also makes me question IF a doctor would even find anything wrong with me or is this truly psychological? You know the body, soul and mind is all one. So your body reacts to your mindset. I’ve tried to think positively towards my body. Tried to free my mind to let myself think that I’m OK and that nothing is wrong with me but whenever I have “flareups” which is rare because I have kept my gut health under control, but the flareups are painful when they happen. It’s just so upsetting and I can’t eat. I’m sluggish too.

my only advice for right now, is to not give up. Hope to keep going on your healing journey keep growing and learning, releasing the trauma, forgiving the past and yourself learning to trust yourself again, which is a really hard one for me and having self-control in your diet. If you know, certain foods are only going to hurt your stomach, then as much as you want to eat them, maybe you shouldn’t. but this is just me. I’m not a doctor so I can’t really tell you what to do. Every person is different.

also I seen a video the other day where somebody said they rubbed some kind of magnesium oil on their feet before they went to bed and that it really helped their digestive a lot. I haven’t looked it up yet, but I am curious as to if that’ll be better than the powder form, I’m taking currently.

Praying too is sometimes hard cuz you carry so much shame and weight from the past and you feel disconnected from self and God but praying over your stomach and laying your hand on the parts of you where you believe the trauma is stored. ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹 I’m not crazy and you’re not crazy. Your stomach hurts and people have accused me of purposely losing weight. Idk if they think I’m trying to be “vain” or what but it’s no so 🥺🥺🥺 I didn’t ask to be a skeleton, it just happened….

[jodilin65]

MONDAY, JANUARY 31, 2000 My alarm clock quit on me. That’s just one more thing to break, but I’m not surprised. It’s about time after all, cuz if I’m remembering correctly, that’s the alarm clock that woke me up to go to work at the Harley back in the mid-80s. So I put it in the guest room as a clock and put a different one in the bedroom.

The house makes weird sounds every now and then and I heard a sound earlier that I thought might’ve been an animal that bumped up against the back of the house, so I had Tom go out and check, but he found nothing. I guess it’s just a variation of those settling sounds.

Anyway, we drove two hours just for a two-minute appointment. All the doc did was tighten the bottom retainer, but the top one was fine. Next time won’t be a quickie cuz it’s cleaning time next time. On my way out, the receptionist gave me a carnation. It’s a Valentine’s thing they’re giving their patients. They had candy there too, and both Tom and I helped ourselves to a piece.

After leaving Mel’s, we went to Target and I picked out a valance for the pet room. This one’s called a scalloped valance, cuz it’s wavy. It’s white lace, and very pretty. It really completes and brightens up the room, giving it a touch of femininity as do the other valances I got.

We got new rechargeable batteries for the camera, and I got some pretty butterfly hair clips. I got 5-6 different pairs/colors. I took out Lollipop’s yellow/orange ribbons and replaced those with yellow butterflies. They look great.

Our last two stops were to get me some Chinese take-out and some of my favorite white chocolate caramel coffee at Circle K. He got cakes there. I jokingly said to him, “Better get some popcorn in case we get a room with a microwave!”

Yeah, it was just after 3:00. About the time we’d hit Circle K and load up on snacks to take to the hotel. Or to the trailer, for that matter. God, this road life we led for months already seems like a lifetime ago! It’s hard to believe we did it, and I still don’t believe I ever got on a schedule, let alone a schedule for six months! I’m still on one too, what with all we’ve got coming up. Unless things change, we’ve got a Palm Harbor rep coming out tomorrow, then I’ve supposedly got an appointment with my new doctor for my asthma on Thursday, then Saturday’s the day Mom, Mary and Dave might come see the place.

Tom got the two computers set up so they’re connected. So that he doesn’t have to wait till I get new cartridges, he’s gonna bring up the file I told him my story’s in and read a few chapters at a time as I write them.

I moved Jade out of the bedroom and put her sitting on a mini chest in the pet room, but since I didn’t want her to be too available for the rats to chew on when they’re out running around in there, I moved her to my office instead. Plus, I spend pretty much most of my time in there. I also re-wigged her. I yanked off her wig. Luckily, glue from a glue gun is easy to peel off. After I yanked it off, I put it on her head and pulled it down tight. The thing fits like a glove, so I didn’t bother to glue it down.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 29, 2000 Although there was the usual excuse of some kind in bed today, it was one of the best sessions we ever had because it wasn’t so predictable, and the contact on my clit when we were screwing was the best ever. I thought it’d be the usual - I would spend forever doing him by hand, and he’d be on top of me for less than 60 seconds. Instead, he started rubbing against me, then we screwed. Well, I tried to, but he wouldn’t go inside. He tried to claim I was too dry and was moving away, but I knew that wasn’t so. He just couldn’t get into it. He was only semi-hard the whole time.

I asked Tom if he’d go to a doctor if he was one of those impudent guys who could never get hard. He said he’d go to a doctor, but that’s just hypothetically speaking. Meaning, it’s one thing to say that, but would he really do that? If you ask me - no he wouldn’t go to a doctor. He’d be just as shy, scared, and as embarrassed as he is to go to a doctor about his lack of cumming. Especially when he’s the one controlling it and when he wants it that way. He’d just live with it if he were impudent. He may not deny it if he were, but he’d be like - I’ll get hard. You’ll see. If you just don’t mention it or if you just do this and do that, I’ll get hard. Meanwhile, we’d never have sex in our lives. Not more than with hands or oral, that is. It’s a good thing I don’t want a kid, cuz I’d be really pissed to lose out on a shot at that, regardless of how much I know it’s not meant to be anyway, all because of his stubbornness and just because he’s got a touch of shyness. If he went to a doctor and was told there was nothing that could be done, that’d be different. That wouldn’t be his fault. Same thing with if he came out and told me he didn’t want a kid. But for a man to tell a woman who may want one that he wants one too, and then never does anything to help himself, is appalling.

The weekend engine-gunning has been very mild. Barely noticeable.

Another weekend to not take for granted. The peace and quiet of it, I mean, of course. It’s so nice not to have a bunch of wild blacks or Mexicans at arm’s length! I wonder if the H’s met the lovely neighbors and how they’re handling living with them (we both think they’ve met and as Tom pointed out, they seem like the type to mingle with neighbors). Well, I was the one with the noise curse on her, so my guess is that whether or not they met, they’ve quieted down since we moved. Either that or the H’s just don’t mind their antics. There can’t be a problem as far as them being bothered with noise, cuz wouldn’t they have us contacted to complain about it? Wouldn’t they be like - why didn’t you tell us, even though there’s not a damn thing they could do to us about it? Maybe not, though. I mean, it’s pretty damn amazing they didn’t contact us about the letter. They should’ve known who sent it. Whatever. It’s their lives and I’m not a part of it, thank God.

Yesterday, we finally got Jade assembled. Tom did most of the work. He has quite a talent for putting doll heads and eyelashes on. He saw it as a learning experience, but I saw it mostly as a bitch and I think I’ll get my dolls assembled from now on. She’s beautiful, even though I fucked up her wig. I guess I didn’t pull it down tight enough. It’s sort of bumpy in the back, but fortunately, it’s barely noticeable. I threw an old T-shirt on her and made it look like a sleep shirt. She looks better sitting, believe it or not, so I made room for her on my dresser and put a comb in her hand and it looks really good. It looks natural. She’s supposed to be a woman, but I think she looks more like a girl. She looks like she could be anywhere from age 10-15. Closer to 12, though.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 28, 2000 It figures. It totally fucking figures! The delivery guy got here right on time and without having to call for directions or to be led in. As soon as I saw this, I knew that’d mean compensation. I knew that because he got here on time without a problem that would mean something would be broken or just go wrong somehow. I knew it because whenever we buy something, we always have to fucking get the broken one. Either that, or there’s just always a problem of some kind. This just goes to prove that old hexes followed us here and that life won’t be much different just because we moved out here. The washer works fine, but the dryer won’t start. Tom’s wondering if they wired the electrical wrong. Yeah, that’s something those Mexicans would do. I move away from having fuckers like them interfering with my life, yet I’m still affected by shitheads. I wish this dumb-ass pitiful excuse of a race would go back to Mexico where it belongs!

Later…

Finally, our horrible day is over! Bad things really do happen in threes (and my parents had three kids), because what I last wrote about was far from the end of it. So far everything’s going exactly as I vibed they would. We’re having to fix things in here just as much as we did in Phoenix. Even Tom reached his fill and made an appointment next Tuesday for a Palm Harbor to come out here. They’re nowhere near as stupid as Steven and Dan, but we’ve had it with having to fix these fucking idiot’s fuck-ups. We just want to get on with our lives. Not have to fix things that should’ve been done right in the first place. We probably could’ve fixed the dryer, but we shouldn’t have to. It’s their fucking job to supply us with an electrical box that works and the stupid Mexicans should’ve tested it out before releasing the house to us. Yeah, there’s no juice at all to this electrical box, according to Tom, who tested it out.

The territories we’re cursed in in life are just never going to go away. No matter where we live or what we do, we’re forever cursed. He’s gonna end up not having much more time than he did in Phoenix. Every time he gets a job done, that’s two more things he’s got to fix. How many more months are we gonna be in this house and continue to find things the lazy Mexicans fucked up on? These stupid illiterate Mexicans, as society calls them, don’t even know how to read or write. They’re God’s stupidest people. Why don’t they go to school for a while before they try building houses, the dumbasses!

Once again, God took what should’ve been a wonderful day and turned it into a nightmare. And if he didn’t, what did? Something sure as hell did. Can’t we just have something without having to pay for it like we do? As if $700 wasn’t enough of a payment for this washer and dryer! It’s like - leave us alone, God! Let us live our lives in peace for once. Can we ever go for a month in our lives without having to fix something? Without buying something broken?

So here are our next two crises: I went to wash a few more things since the washer worked fine the first time around because there’s plenty of space around here to hang lots of clothes, but the fucking thing quit filling with water before it reached its fill. Tom thought it might be sand clogged in the little screen at the end of the hose, but nope. A wire connected to the well pump shorted, thanks to shithead Dan. Tom fixed it, fortunately, but again, I was right when I said that that well would be a regular problem from the get-go. As soon as we can afford it, if people like Dennis will leave our wallet alone, we’ll get a backup water tank for our many well problems. That way we won’t have to be without water for a few days every month or two.

I asked Tom, what’s gonna break next, the dishwasher? He said if it does, we’ll just call them out here to fix it. Yeah, but we shouldn’t have to live that way, always having to fix things or call incompetent fools out to “fix” things. What’s this fuck gonna do anyway when it gets here next Tuesday, anyway? Forget to bring the globe we’re missing, and not fix the electrical box correctly? Or if it fixes it, will it break three other things while it’s at it? I’m not gonna allow them to fix the island trim, sand the guest room door, or paint the grease spots the fucking pigs smeared in a few areas and shit like that. I don’t trust them. They’ve disrupted our lives enough and fucked up enough. I’m just gonna give them a piece of my mind and let them know how pissed off I am that we have to fix all these things when we should be enjoying our new house. I knew it, though. I just knew it. But if I’d known our house was gonna be made by a pack of blacks, I’d have pushed to build our own house. You know what they say - if you want something done right, do it yourself.

Tom, who always handles these kinds of things better than I do, pointed out the good to all this and was glad we survived all we went through and came out of it okay.

The third and last thing that happened, although the day’s not yet over for me, is that I got stung by a bee in the neck in the house! Yeah, can you believe it? It scared the shit out of me and stung and burned like hell for a good 15 minutes or so, but now, if I didn’t know any better, I’d never know I was stung. It was so scary. After being outside, I was standing in his office talking to him while he sat at his computer when I suddenly felt something irritating me towards the left side of my neck. At first I thought it was an ant, but then it steadily got worse and worse and I knew no ant could inflict such pain and I flung my shirt off faster than I ever had before in my life screaming “Something’s in my shirt!”

Tom, thank God, got the stinger out with tweezers in no time at all, without causing any more stinging and burning. It sure was wild, but I knew I wasn’t gonna die or anything like that. He went looking for the bee sting and snake bite first aid kit, but couldn’t find it. I found it later, but it wasn’t needed anyhow. I simply put some Cortisone on it and took lots of Ibuprofen. What was weird about the whole thing, though, is that neither of us ever heard, saw, or felt the bee. We looked around the house afterward to see if we could see a dead bee, but nope. It must’ve quietly sat on my hair as I entered the house, then crept down just under my shirt collar before stinging me. Tom said that the stinger’s small, so you don’t really feel it much. It’s the poison you feel as the venom seeps out of the stinger. He said it’s possible it could’ve stung me and taken off to die a few seconds before I even knew I was stung. So, this is the second time in my life I got stung. This was a regular bee that stung me, cuz after a regular bee stings you, its stinger falls out and the bee dies. A yellow jacket can keep stinging you over and over. That’s what I got stung by at the beach when I was around ten. I was sitting on the couch in my bathing suit being chewed out by Dureen for God only knows what, when I thought I had an itch on my back. I reached around to scratch it and got stung on the finger.

Tom suggested we screen the pool too, as well as our future spa. We’ll start with an Arizona room and expand from there. Great! No more swimming in fear! I hated how I lost so many days to swimming in Phoenix when he wasn’t around all because of my fear of bees. Why waste the money being too scared to swim by myself? Even with him could get scary at times when there were so many fucking bees at once. They’re just too damn brave. They’re actually curious about people, but then as soon as you make a move - they’ve got you.

I was sitting thinking about how we should bitch to Mary about our horrible day just like we did when Dan was ruining our lives and making us miserable, then Tom came out and suggested it, too. So we did. Also, we’ve agreed to have them over next weekend, as long as nothing comes up with them.

Before all this happened, Melanie called. I was surprised to be called long-distance. I thought they’d mail me an appointment reminder like last time. She had knee surgery. She said something about them taking her kneecap off. Oh, God! How excruciating that must’ve been! I don’t know the details about why she had to have all this done. I didn’t want to keep her on the phone forever.

Remember how I mentioned the house rumbling and vibrating me awake? Well, this still happens every now and then, although I’ve been awake when it usually happens. It hasn’t woken me up since I last said it did a week or two ago. Today Tom got to hear it for himself for the first time. It happened at around 11 AM in the utility area, and then an hour later, I could feel it in the bedroom while he felt it down in the utility area. These rooms are at opposite ends of the house. Tom’s not sure what it is but said it felt like a huge truck going by. No way. I can’t imagine the house vibrating like that unless a train ran a few feet away, and besides, I could never see any trucks going by during these rumbles. All you hear when a truck goes by is its engine, but you never feel it. It never shakes the house. I told Tom I thought it was the house settling, but wondered if we could be on top of some ancient burial site, although I doubt it. He too, said it’s unlikely, cuz people long ago lived near water. Even if there were fossils under the house, why should the spirit of those who lived in the bodies be mad at us? They’re done with their bodies. Their bodies are dead. They don’t need them anymore. Now, they’d be just spirits in the sky or something like that. But then I discovered the salt shaker had fallen off the top back part of the stove and onto a burner. Classic poltergeist activity. Tom said it simply vibrated off. That’s a lot of vibration! I wonder how long these rumbling spells will continue and how many times they’ll end up waking me up. What? Is God up there saying to himself, “Ha! If she thinks she’s gonna sleep out here regularly, wait till I shake her awake every now and then.” What is this? Just because he knows stereos don’t go banging by here he’s got to shake me awake instead? Is he that determined to get to me in the sleep department? That’s desperate. Real fucking desperate. Why doesn’t he just have me have a kid then? Then I’ll really never get any sleep. It’ll be worse than the NHA was. Well, at least I know I don’t have to worry about him going that far and sticking a kid on me. I still don’t get why he paired me up with a virtually cumless dick, though. The only regimen I ever needed against pregnancy was a hysterectomy. Not forced safe sex.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 27, 2000 Dan hasn’t begun his engine-gunning spurts today. Yet. He obviously went to work today or was out somewhere because neither of us has heard a sound, but once he gets in, I’m sure I’ll hear from him then.

Other than that, it’s so peaceful and quiet 99.99999% of the time. I love it.

Tom, who’s clearing out the shed so he can clear out the utility area for our washer/dryer which is due tomorrow, came in the house giggling, saying he had great news. He found the cranks that open the old bedroom windows. Should he call the H’s and tell them? Hee, hee! Yes, I remember the day they were doing the inspection and one of the inspectors was telling me the windows should have cranks. I was worried for a minute there that this would cause the H’s to back out on us.

Later…

And we found yet another thing those stupid cocks did. The idiots drilled a hole in the floor for the dryer to vent, yet it doesn’t go anywhere. Directly below it is 2-3 feet of insulation. Did the stupid shits expect us to drill a hole through the stuff and vent it under the house? Why couldn’t they have drilled a hole in the exterior wall for it? Stupid, stupid shits. So now that’s just one more job that Tom has to do. At least the good part of it is that we got the utility area all cleaned out. It had been caked with dirt, but Tom showed me that Spic & Span would clean it really well. I was surprised. I thought I’d have to scrub the shit over and over again with Brillo. It’s nice finally having that floor cleaned so I no longer have to tiptoe through dirt and sand to use the bathroom down there. It’s been vacuumed, mopped, and cleared out and is now ready for our new washer and dryer! Oh, I’m gonna love having a large capacity washer/dryer so I can do big things like our comforter! And I’m gonna love being able to wash and dry at the same time.

Dan took a day off from engine-gunning. I really appreciate that seeing that the weekend is less than a couple of days away. Of course, as I’ve learned, he could play engine any day of the week, but on weekends he tends to get more into it.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 26, 2000 I haven’t written much over the last few days in my journal or on my story because I was tied up doing other things.

Last Sunday, as well as Saturday, Dan did a little bit of engine-gunning in spurts, and it makes me wonder if I’m in for that every weekend he’s here. I told you things would slowly pick up in noise once we got into the house, although that’s nothing compared to the quietest days in Phoenix.

I went through all the photo albums and scanned the pictures I wanted on the computer. Back when that virus fucked up my computer, I lost those that I had scanned.

Tom said he met up with Dennis at work and that he said he was sorry. It’s too late. He already charged us the outrageous amount he charged us to use a functional but dumpy old trailer that otherwise would’ve just sat in his yard, and he hasn’t changed the amount he wants. So how is he sorry? He still used us and our situation as an opportunity to be a greedy SOB.

Yesterday poor Tom went through a horrid ordeal on the phone with Cigna. Now they’re fucked up, too. Every single business is fucked up. No one is competent in this world. It makes me wonder how we came to have sophisticated things like computers when the world is so stupid.

He called the doctor Cigna assigned to us as our regular doctor but then their office said they weren’t taking new patients. Then Tom called Cigna back who referred him to this number and then to that number. Meanwhile, he was getting nowhere. Finally, after two hours, he got to make an appointment with the doctor after all. Question is - will the incompetent fucks screw up the paperwork on that too, and tell me I was never scheduled for an appointment? I wouldn’t put it past them. The office is in Sun Lakes, so hopefully there won’t be too many wild kids. And hopefully they won’t make me wait an hour, either.

Anyway, it’s sickening what the world’s come to when it comes to doctors. It used to be you called their office, got a live person, and made an appointment. Now, it can be an all-day ordeal just to make a doctor’s appointment. You have to go through a maze of machines and contradictory, stupid people. This is part of why I didn’t continue with the invitro. No one would talk to me. And when they would, it was only to refer me to someone else, then to someone else, while one person would say one thing and another would say something totally different.

Later…

Dan, will you shut the fuck up! I’m getting so sick of him and his engine-gunning. Besides, shouldn’t he be at work in the middle of a weekday afternoon? Or do people who drive tractors only work part-time? And what’s he gonna do now? Gun these fucking engines every day? I never would’ve guessed that Dan would be an annoyance. I’d have guessed on the renters first, next door second.

Tom asked me if I heard the music when he came in. No, I didn’t, fortunately. He said it was soft country music that could’ve been coming from Dan’s, the people past Dan’s, or the renters. Said he couldn’t be sure with the wind. It’s Dan, I thought right away. Then shortly afterward, he started with the engine gunning, so I obviously guessed right. He was home.

Anyway, Tom filed our taxes by phone and is unwinding with the TV now before hitting the sack.

If there were only these two choices, I’d rather work on my story with my music going in the background than vroom, vroom! So I started up a CD and now I’ll go see if I can work on my story.

Later…

Shut uuuuuuup, you mother-fucking cock! Yeah, it just started gunning again. It does this every 2-3 hours and I’m getting pissed here. I’m really getting pissed. I’m supposed to be able to read in peace out here if I want to, but no. This guy’s gotta make a racket with his fucking engines. This is no one-time engine problem he’s been fixing, either. I just know it. This is a regular thing it’ll do whenever it’s home. God, get this fuck out of here to Indiana and let me live in peace! What’s next, huh? What comes after this? Louder music that I can hear in here? Well, maybe it’ll go to work tomorrow and maybe when it comes home it won’t be in the mood to play engine. Maybe it’ll do something else with its time.

Later…

Our little engine-gunner quit pretty much as soon as he started. As I said, he does this in spurts, so it could be worse. He could be doing it for hours non-stop in which case I’d get a gun and shoot the fucker. But are we gonna be in for another spurt at 6:00? We’ll see, but I’d think it’d be a little too windy to be outside. It’s been super windy. You can see dust flying in the wind. There’s almost as much dust as a car kicks up. The wind chimes I have by all three doors are going off and they sound pretty. Actually, I can only hear the back and side door chimes, because the wind is going from back to front. When will it ever rain, though?

Later…

Making good progress with the story. I’m trying not to be predictable. I want the reader to be surprised by all the different curveballs I throw into the story.

Friday or Saturday Paula should get my manila envelope filled with the written pages I tore out of my big blue book to type up with the cover that changes pictures (I couldn’t rebind that cover after I printed out the lime green pages I printed out, so I bound just the pages). That is, only the ones I’d allow her to read. Hope she reads it and doesn’t let all my writing go to waste, but when I look back at the blacks and Mexicans, who obviously didn’t read my mail, you never know. It’s up to her, though. In most cases, I wouldn’t want someone to read something of mine if they didn’t want to. I think she will, though.

It’s funny just thinking of how those personal pages I wouldn’t send her are sitting under someone’s bed at the hotel. I wonder how many years that, and the note I slipped under the stove in Phoenix, will sit undiscovered.

As long as Teresa got my letter OK, I was right about her not contacting me. I hope she did get the letter and has a great life. She was a really nice, helpful, supportive person.

I forgot to mention another thing that happened last weekend that took me by surprise. We had a sales call. I couldn’t believe it. I was like, a sales call? Out here? Some cock came by with a freezer full of meat from a farm. God only knows just how poisonous the meat was, too. I wonder how often these kinds of people will come around. We’ll see, but if I have to, I could always put a sign up and then deal with those who refuse to read it.

MONDAY, JANUARY 24, 2000 I downloaded this really cool thing off the web that makes water within wallpaper pictures ripple and come to life. It’s so cool! The catch is, though, that once you set the waves, it works on all your pictures, even waterless pictures, till you shut it off. So, I’ve got my wallpaper changer turned off while I’m using the ripple effect in a picture with water in it which it was meant to be used for. I’m done dieting for good this time. Always being hungry and sluggish is no way to live. I’d rather look like shit than feel like shit. Besides, it’s not my body to decide what to do with. Never has been, never will be. It’s God’s body. He created me to his own liking, and just like I have no rights to my reproductive system, I have no rights to my weight, either. I just don’t have what it takes to starve and in this day and age, that’s the only way I could possibly lose weight. I need to stop depriving my body of the food it needs. People get hungry for a reason and again, I’m 34 now. I’m supposed to be a bit plump.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 23, 2000 Fortunately, Dan didn’t become too much of a nuisance yesterday. Tom said he could see the hood open on one of his junk trucks, and that he had a radio blaring. He said it was too soft to make out what kind of music it was but could tell that at the same time it had to have been blasting. I never heard a thing in here. Dan’s behavior makes me wonder if he grew up in the city. No doubt that people love to blast music, work on cars, and gun engines there.

Tom kept his promise and got his office and the guest room organized. It’s still a little more cluttered than I’d like, but acceptable enough. He set up his old air bed in the guest room, but it leaks. That figures, huh? He’s got stuff to patch it with, but he just can’t find where it’s leaking.

He got a couple of tables that I’ve put in the living room and set up the mice the way I had them in Phoenix. I missed doing this. I definitely need more mice to fill up all the space, though. So far, only Oreo climbed up to higher levels and back down. Butter Rum and Mocha have remained downstairs.

Tom also got a filter for the house which was cheaper than he thought it’d be. No more sandy baths!

He’s been keeping his word and not procrastinating since being here. The only thing he said that was bullshit was about how he was suddenly gonna change into a whole new person and cum regularly, but I knew better.

Once we get the project room tables, the exercise machine, and the guest room set up, I can begin my photo shoot of the house. Although, it may be quite a while before we get a bed and nightstand in the guest room, so I’ll probably just shoot it as it is, so I can get the pictures off to Dureen, Art, and Tammy and be done with them for a year or two, or until whenever the hell I feel like sending them an updating letter. I still have no desire to have them back in my life. Not after all the years of shit they’ve dumped upon me. Things would be OK for a while, then they’d only return to the same old cycle of shit.

In a couple of hours or so, we’ll be having our usual predictable, boring, cumless sex, but oh well. I just go through the motions for his sake to keep him as happy and as satisfied as he is sexually.

Later…

Another typical moment in bed. He couldn’t get in there and I asked him if I was too dry, but he said he was too soft. I should’ve guessed he’d have some sort of problem today what with my still being too close to mid-cycle. He still swears that he’s not turned off by me in bed, not afraid of my conceiving, and that if I give him time in the new environment, we’ll end up screwing more often since there’s less to do here and we’re less stressed out, and therefore, he’ll get off more often.

Sounds like just another lame excuse to me to try to cover for his own fears and lack of interest. Most of the time he just doesn’t seem into it and this is what helps dampen my appetite. Yes, we have been screwing more often, but he’ll never get off much more than he has been. He’ll still be right where he is in a year. And in a few years. And in a decade. I just don’t see why we have to go through these bullshit motions if he’s not into it.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 22, 2000 The moon, which seems to be bigger out here in Arizona, has been pretty neat to see through the skylight at night. Especially when it’s full. Full moons are so bright out here that the bedroom looks like it’s either the crack of dawn or the final stages of dusk. When I got up Tom was already gone. He’s still hunting for a place that’ll deliver a washer and dryer to us sooner than February 1st or 9th as the Phoenix area says. This time, he’s heading to Casa Grande. For now, we’re doing weekly laundry and garbage dumps at Mary’s. Dan’s been driving me nuts with the engine-gunning spurts. Is this going to go on all day? And is this going to be a regular weekend event around here? What is this cock doing? Tom said he said he does what Gravity does and drives a tractor. It sounds like a huge engine, but I can’t see any tractors over there. Thank God this stupid fuck goes to Indiana every summer. That’ll give me a break from this shit. It isn’t just the weekends, although it’s mostly the weekends. I heard it for a few minutes during the week, too. Shut up, Dan! This is the Hidden Valley area of Maricopa. Get it? Hidden Valley. It means you keep your noise and your shit to yourself. We don’t want to know you exist out here.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 21, 2000 Another Friday night of not having to worry about other people’s selfish, rude antics disrupting my life! No stress, no nothing. Just plain old happiness.

Yesterday, the strangest sound woke me up. We still don’t know what it was, but I have a theory. I awoke at 8:30, a half-hour before my alarm was set to go off, to a loud bang that rumbled through the house and vibrated me awake. It woke me right up the first time, then it happened again right after it woke me. When I saw it was too early for Tom to be in, I wondered if someone may have broken into the house, so I flung the bedroom door open, expecting to come face to face with someone other than Tom, but I saw no one. I ran and checked all the rooms and closets, but still, there was no one. Tom asked me if it could’ve been a water tank or something loud like that going next door, but no way. It was definitely coming from within the house itself. It sounded like something crashed to the floor which would rumble throughout the house. When Tom was shuffling heavy stuff around his office one day while I was in the bedroom, I could feel the vibration in there. The only thing I can think of was that it was the house settling. Especially amongst the floorboards. There was nothing else going on nearby that I could see.

I had the windows open today to air the place out, and it was so nice to be able to enjoy such a pleasant breeze without opening the window up to a world of chaotic noise. It was just as peaceful with the windows open. The only thing I hear every now and then is gunshots and engine-gunning. I love it here. For once I am truly home. God, please don’t take our home and our peace away from us! Keep the city in the city! Let us stay here forever and ever! Of course, it’s still scary to think - what are we gonna do when we get too old to drive and get around well since we’re so far out? What happens when I can’t clean the place very well? Will we end up all alone in some state-run nursing home? I try not to think of something that’s still too far away, but it’s hard not to sometimes.

We both still feel rather shocked and annoyed that Dennis wanted so much money and so fast, but in the end, it actually worked out for the better, and old Dennis may have done us a favor after all. We don’t have to pay $500 of the $1,000 back but had he agreed for us to give him a few hundred dollars a month, we would be able to pay that on our own and would’ve ended up paying the whole $1,000 ourselves. But with him wanting $500 this month and the rest next month, we only end up paying him $500. Perhaps this is a selfish way to look at it, but we got this from a woman who not only once used us for a good four or five thousand dollars after Dad died (I believe Ma used Dad’s death as an excuse to use Tom), but who can’t have too many more years to live if even that. Because of this, it’s easy to feel OK about the money she gave us. Grateful, but not guilty.

When Tom was testing out the new net thing on my computer and showing me how to get into it, he went to John Saul’s site and it turns out he just released a book and is going to be releasing another one in June. The site had the prologue and the first chapter, and man, I’ll tell you, he is not the writer he used to be. The whole fucking prologue was nothing but childbirth. I’m so sick of that subject! It’s no wonder the desire to have my own child wore off. Why is this world so obsessed with the subject? The same old same old gets old. The part of the book that wasn’t childbirth was utterly boring. I don’t expect his June book will be any better.

Tom got a sticker-dissolving cleaner that works great. I got the ugly stickers off of the tub, toilets, and windows. He also got a filter for the well. Thank God! We sure do need that. I haven’t taken a bath lately cuz of all the sand that comes out. I’m hoping we can replace the bathroom sink faucets real soon too, cuz they’re cheap pieces of shit. This doesn’t have an aerator you can take off like the kitchen sink, tubs and showers do, so it’s all clogged up with sand and all you get is a little trickle of water. There’s no pressure at all. We need to get a second pressure tank, too. We’re gonna replace the bathroom faucets which I hate, with the single lever kind we got in Phoenix.

He got a paper shredder for things with credit card numbers and it’s so cool. The animals love it. The rats don’t really care for shredded paper, but the mice love to burrow in it and the pig loves to chew on it. Right now, the rat’s chew toy of choice is an old hair bubble of mine I cut off its elastic.

Yesterday Lisa turned 17. I hope she’s doing OK. God, do I ever hope so! I’m just afraid that she too, has a long wait for happiness. Better later than never, I guess.

Later…

I just called Tammy’s, blocking our number out first, in the hopes that Lisa would answer, but Tammy did so I hung right up. I miss Lisa so much! I wish to hell we never became as close as we did. It’d make things a whole lot easier. Perhaps I shouldn’t be bothering, anyway. Trying to get to Lisa could very well be asking to have an old can of worms opened. Not that I couldn’t shut that can, but I just don’t want to deal with these people she’s connected to. I don’t want to hear about them, I don’t want to know about them. I’m done with them. I’ve been done with them and their bullshit. All I’ll ever do from here on out is drop them a quick line every year or so (without our address and number), but I doubt if I’ll ever do that.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 19, 2000 And today I’m 119 pounds.

I still never see any lights on at night in any of the rentals. In fact, last night, even the usual outside light wasn’t on. I still believe they’ll be a problem once it gets more built up back there.

It’s hard to believe we’ve only had a two-hour drizzle spell since late August-early September! Makes me wonder if it’ll ever rain again here.

Later…

The weather’s warmed up to the point where it’s getting to be nearly 80º in here by the time 4:00 rolls around. We’re looking at using the AC soon for sure. I’ve got the heat set to come on at 70º, but it may not even come on before the crack of dawn when it’s the coldest like it’s been doing.

Tom’s mom gave us a check for not $500, but $750! I could hug that woman to death! Speaking of that, she’s nowhere near it, according to Tom. He says she’s doing so unusually well, including her blood count, that the doctor doesn’t want to see her for four months. He said all he’s gonna do is take her to get her toenails trimmed and fix Mary’s printer. No problem. They’ve done so much for us what with helping us with money and letting us get water there and use her washer and dryer that Tom can work over there for weeks if he wants to. And there I was thinking that things would go wrong with her after we got settled in the house. Maybe my vibes of her dying around her 77th birthday will be wrong. Maybe she’ll surprise us all, including the doctors, and live for a few more years.

Also, to my utter amazement, Steven kept his word and sent us the check for the money for a new washer/dryer. I really thought he was gonna stall and stall and stall.

I got our new address labels too, which are boring compared to what I usually get. I didn’t want to order anything too plain, though, either. They consist of five different butterfly pictures. All drawings of course. Not actual photos. I got these because I don’t do letters a lot anymore, and they’re just mostly gonna get stuck on bills. It’s still faster and more convenient for us to slap on stickers, rather than write out our return address.

I’m stealing seven books from the Double Day book club since Tom plans on stealing Internet access, or something that has to do with the satellite, but I’m sure he’ll do everything he can to talk me out of it, insisting that it’s far more dangerous to get caught than it is with what he intends to do. I know this isn’t true, though, since I’ve done this before, but if he’s gonna get too overly paranoid, I won’t bother to have him mail the card. It’s in a bogus name, of course, addressed to our PO Box.

We didn’t end up screwing last night. I guess both of our subconscious fears sex, even though one of us knows we have nothing to worry about anyway. I just couldn’t get in the mood. Not after a discussion of how strapped we’re gonna be for the next few months, thanks to fucking assholes like Steven, Dan, and Dennis. I’m so sick of others interfering with our plans and finances! Will I ever escape other people’s control? Anyway, he took advantage of my not being in the mood as a great opportunity to escape something he’d rather not do and decided to nap till it was time to go to work. He asked if I was mad at him because he said we’d get together. No, I wasn’t mad. We can screw some other time when he’s more comfortable. From here on out, though, I’m not going to tell him when I’ve got my period, so he doesn’t have to needlessly worry about something that’s not medically possible in the first place. Although, he may worry more often if he doesn’t know where I am in my cycle. If he knew I just finished my period, for example, he’d at least be able to know he had some time there to safely let go if he wanted to.

He’s been doing a good job of getting his stuff organized which he has in his office and the guest room. I didn’t think he’d work this fast, but this doesn’t mean he won’t take to trashing at times. It’s what he’s used to and what he grew up with. He likes clutter strewn about. That’d be fine for his office if it wouldn’t hinder my dusting and vacuuming, but it does, and I want to keep my record going here. Notice how long it’s been since I’ve had an all-day allergy attack? I want to keep it this way if I can help it!

We’ve agreed that I’d give him the chapters I complete during the week for him to read over the weekends. So far, he’s been into it and that’s pretty flattering. I didn’t have to beg him to read what I wrote. He did it on his own. He said that the first time around he wants to just read it, then the second time he’ll critique it in more detail.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 18, 2000 I guess we’re gonna be having another round of boring, predictable sex in a little while. After he’s done some more work in his office, I guess, but you know him. He likes to put sex off till the last minute when he’s most tired. He went to Casa Grande today to get a CD for Internet access. It’s called Cybertrails. We can’t get AOL out here because they don’t have a local number here. That’s fine with me. I hated how AOL harassed me every day with junk mail. I sent Evie a letter thanking her for our Christmas gifts and letting her know that I’d contact her as soon as I could. Teresa will be getting a letter from me, too. Although I enclosed our address and number, I don’t expect to hear from her and I told her it’s OK if she doesn’t write back or call me cuz of how remote I am. I just wanted to thank her, I told her, for being so nice to us. I also enclosed some jokes I had saved. I hope I’m right about her not contacting me since it’d be a pain in the ass to have a friend in the city, but if I thought she might, I wouldn’t have enclosed the address and number. I think about giving our number to Paula at times, but I don’t want the daily calls from her (whenever she happens to have a phone, that is). When I moved, I wanted to get away from Andy’s and Paula’s constant calls, not just naughty blacks and filthy Mexicans and polluted air and desperate crowds. I’m back down to 121 pounds. Oh, goody. Then I can go right back up to 124 pounds when I get stuck tomorrow.

MONDAY, JANUARY 17, 2000 Katie did die. I found her earlier and Tom buried her. She will be missed. We screwed earlier too, and as expected, he didn’t cum. I’m mid-cycle and it isn’t April. April’s when he’ll cum again. I’ll be giving him another hard-on tomorrow too, but not before he goes down on me. It’s been a while since I’ve cum by him and I think it’s about time I did. I like to take care of myself most of the time, but every now and then it’s nice to let him do the work for a change. Today he claimed to have gotten out of breath cuz he was oh so excited. Then he’s in pretty serious shit shape. This not being able to cum cuz of being so excited bullshit’s got to go. He uses this line on me every now and then and anyone else that heard that would say that’s crazy, too. That’s like saying you’re too thirsty for a drink or too cold for a coat. It’s a lame, bullshit excuse, and again, I’m just as happy that he doesn’t cum. It’s a free, side-effect-free source of birth control, even if I am sterile anyhow. But the fucking excuses are so old and so obvious that they’re BS! And I’m sick of having to do him by hand for fifteen minutes and only screwing for two. He’s so lazy and out of shape when it comes to sex, not to mention scared shitless of something that cannot possibly happen in the first place. It would’ve happened by now if it could. He claims that we can now finally have more sex, which is a crock, whether or not that’s what I wanted. Oh, we will in the beginning, but then he’ll go back to favoring the TV over sex. And God will also help interfere with our sex lives by having things come up that he has to fix, etc. I thought I cleared the trailer out completely, but obviously I didn’t. I left two pairs of shorts that I know of in the trailer. Makes me wonder what else I left in it. I’m too fucking fat for the rest of my shorts to fit comfortably, so now I’m forced to work harder on these hopeless diets. I tell you - there is no such thing as a “diet.” You either eat or you don’t. It’s the same with the cigarettes. I’ll try cutting down to a few 150-calorie meal bars a day since I’m too much of a wimp to quit food altogether, so I can still have essential vitamins and minerals. Dieting by having the recommended 1000 calories a day doesn’t do me a damn bit of good anyway. Especially when I get stuck for a day or two. That only ends up undoing any weight I may have lost and causes me to go back and forth and back and forth, rather than slowly descend in weight.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 16, 2000 Well, Dan’s getting on my nerves now, so I threw my stereo on. Figures, huh? Other than that, though, it’s been dead quiet. What he’s doing is today and yesterday he sat there gunning a loud engine on some old truck or something like that for 10-15 minutes. What is it with people sitting and gunning engines in this state? Anyway, that’s a far cry better than bass thumping at thunderous volumes that not even rock bands play at 3’ from the house, but I wonder if this is going to be a daily routine of his now, even though it doesn’t seem to last too long.

I can’t believe I once said that this master bedroom was smaller than the one in Phoenix when it’s the other way around. It’s almost as wide, but it’s certainly longer.

Our phone was installed on Friday. We just got one line. Fortunately, they have voice messaging out here. I want that and Caller ID. He’s been running wires and installing phone jacks in our offices and the living room. He accidentally cut a wire in the wall to a plug in his office and the guest room, so that’s one more thing he’ll have to fix.

I got new ink cartridges the other day, so I decorated the walls with some of the pictures I printed out of animals and scenery.

Dennis and his wife should be here anytime now to pick up the trailer.

We went out hunting for a washer and dryer and ended up stopping at Heilig-Meyers where we were given back $100 for the damaged tables I had returned. We saw one of the guys who delivered the living room set and chatted with him for a few minutes, then took the $100 we were given and bought another 3-table set for that price. They’re weird, yet nice looking and I got all three to fit in the den just fine. I have the couch in front of the windows with the two smaller tables on each side. On the other side of the small tables are the couch and loveseat. The bigger, longer table is in front of the couch. They’re glass with black frames. The bottom shelves are net-like, rather than solid. I put a couple of dolls and my white carnations under the big one and it looks really cool. I put my little palm tree Tom’s mom gave me under one of the smaller ones and a black and white stuffed rabbit that matches nicely under the other.

The last time we had sex, Tom decided to play games again. It was sooo boring, too. First I was doing him by hand for what seemed like forever, and then he was too soft to go in me so he had me do him some more, saying he wasn’t quite ready and jumped the gun (but what it really was was a case of him not being able to get hard enough. Or not wanting to). What burned me up was that look of pure pleasure on his face as he got off of me and had me do him some more till he had me stop and we quit altogether. That’s just not normal! Any normal man would be totally frustrated. But not him. He loved every minute of it, and it was so obvious that he planned it all out. Why does he do this? Why does he get off on turning me off? I’m already dreading the next time we screw. Well, it’s not that I actually dread it, I just don’t want to bother. It’s gonna be so damn boring and predictable and I’m just so sick of it. I find myself making more and more excuses to get out of sex and I really believe that someday, although it may take 5-10 years, we won’t be having sex at all.

Later…

Dennis came and got his trailer today, but he came alone. He got a little opportunity-happy, too. We figured he’d round the $1300 we owed him to an even $1000, but we didn’t know he’d want the money so fast. First he wanted it all today, then said he didn’t want to make things hard for us, so he agreed to take $500 now and the rest next week. Tom said he’d talk to Ma about it and I’m sure she’ll give him the money. Sometimes I don’t know what we’d do without that woman despite the many complaints I’ve had about her. It makes me wonder what we’ll do when she’s gone. What if we need a few hundred bucks or more in a hurry after she’s gone? She offered money for the two new tires Tom had to get last week, but he had already gotten them, so it’s not like she’s not willing to help us out.

Tom said he noticed that next door was building an addition at the side of their house as he was going out to go grocery shopping. And I didn’t hear a thing! Although, if I were sitting in the den and had the rock tumbler turned off, I might’ve faintly been able to hear the hammering, but again, thank God it wasn’t 3’ away! He wasn’t sure what the addition was. It could be a garage, he said.

Tomorrow’s MLK Day and thank God I don’t have to worry about that either! Now that we’re settled in the house, holidays won’t be a part of our lives anymore. Not in a bad way. Just in a good way. They used to bring nothing but stress and trouble, for the most part, but now we can enjoy having more time together and concentrate on that alone without having to worry about what others are gonna do and what shit they’re gonna force us to listen to and deal with. No distractions. That’s how I like it. God only knows why I once wanted a kid and to give all that peace and freedom up. And money. We’re gonna be broke for the next several months and since we know damn well how hard it can be sometimes for two people to get by, imagine if there were more of us? That’s a scary thought.

Katie appeared to be dying starting about four days ago, but I don’t know. One minute it looks like she’s gonna die any second, the next she’s out and about eating. She’s very weak, though, and hasn’t wheeled, so she’s still not right. She is old, after all, and I don’t expect her to be around much longer.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 13, 2000 Tom went to bed earlier today to catch up on his sleep so we can “get together” tonight. And do what? Get him hard and me bored? I like the actual screwing part of it, even if I can’t cum that way, but doing him by hand can get boring when I have to go on and on and do it for long periods of time. Despite the fact that I don’t want a child and that I know he’s doing what he wants to do, I still can’t help but feel like I’m not good enough in bed. I still feel inadequate even though he doesn’t want to cum. Wouldn’t most people whose partner never came feel that way? He’s an exception, though. My not cumming doesn’t bother him. Then again, he would appear not bothered by it after all, cuz he wants to be left alone to be the way he is. Tom’s not your typical person who practices what he preaches. If he wants to be accepted for not cumming, he’ll accept you for not cumming, too. The whole thing still makes me feel - well - weird. I’ve been sexually hexed all my life and I always will be, so I try to just accept that and the fact that nothing will change with that, and not let it get to me. If it weren’t Tom’s fear of cumming, it’d be somebody else’s wanting sex every other minute. If it weren’t their wanting sex every other minute, it’d be someone who couldn’t even get excited, and so on and so forth. I’ve had premature shooting dicks, peanut-size dicks with cum that smelled like bleach so bad it was nauseating, women that smothered me with sex every other minute, etc. So why not add the cumless guy to the picture, huh? If there had been another guy after Tom he would’ve been impudent, or if there’d been another woman she’d have been frigid. After that would’ve been some sick twist wanting me to beat them with whips and chains while I ran around the bedroom chanting how bad they were. Anyway, I’ll just go through the predictable motions in bed tonight, make him happy, give him what he wants, the way he wants it, and get it over with. At least I get my way out of bed most of the time.

Tom dumped the shit tank and rinsed out the tanks in the trailer yesterday. He said that while he was out there, it became apparent that next door had some kind of car or house problem. All I could hear from my office was an engine revving, but I couldn’t hear them talking to each other like he said he could hear from outside. That’s one hell of an insulated house we’ve got! Also, being more than a few feet away from each other helps, too. Everything that went on over there would’ve been heard loud and clear as if we were a part of it, had it been next to the Phoenix house.

That cock that took us on a tour of the factory was wrong when he told us the “marriage line,” where the two halves peak, is 108” high. That’d be 9’, and I knew it was higher than that. Sure enough, in the papers with all the warranties, info, etc., is a layout saying it’s 114” which is 10’ high. That looks more like it. The lowest point is 7’.

Later…

Yesterday I stuck to the Slim-Fast diet like glue, making sure not to go over 1000 calories. Due to doing this, I woke up a couple of pounds lighter. However, I haven’t been able to shit today, so any amount of dieting I do will be a waste, cuz not shitting will just set my weight back to where it was. How can I get my body to diet and still shit?! Why does my body rebel against dieting?

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 12, 2000 You don’t know how much I love this house! I love this house and I love the peace and quiet! I love not having to have a fan or music on to drown out the noise unless I want them on. There’s no barking, no music, no nothing. I’m determined to enjoy every minute of it because I know that nothing stays the same forever. I’m still sure that the renters will become a problem at some point, and that it may get a little noisier as the weather warms up. Especially at dusk. It may take a hundred years, but it’s sad to know that the fate of this land is to no doubt become a subdivision similar to what we were in in Phoenix. There may not be 60 houses on our land, but there’ll be at least 30 for sure. What a sad thought to know that this peaceful, beautiful piece of land will someday be trashed and filled with hundreds of barking dogs, hundreds of screaming kids, dozens of selfish, noisy freeloaders, and God only knows what else. Oh well, I try not to let myself be saddened by the future which I can’t prevent from happening anyway. I just hope this doesn’t happen in our lifetime, cuz as it is, there should be a major difference out here in just 10 years. Within 10 years, maybe even just 5, I expect to see a house across the street and to our right. Maybe even 10 houses per lot, which would be 20 houses. Oh well again. There’s no sense in worrying about it till it happens. For now, I’m gonna enjoy every moment of peace till God feels it’s time to take that away from us and forcefully throw us back into the mainstream once again.

I’m still on a schedule, but not a highly structured one. I still want to be available during the day in case we need to go anywhere together or the cops feel like badgering me, but so far, I’m shocked and pleased to say that no one’s subpoenaed me.

I did a little cleaning today. I’ve been cleaning something or another every day, cuz I’m determined to keep up on this house from the get-go. I don’t want months and months of dust to accumulate on things, although, not everything will be dusted weekly. I’m not climbing up every week to dust the dolls that are up on top of the cabinets. I’ve decided that every Monday I’ll do the animals, every Tuesday I’ll vacuum/dust the rooms to the right of the kitchen (the kitchen’s in the middle of the house), and every Wednesday I’ll vacuum/dust the rooms to the left of the kitchen, every Thursday I’ll do the kitchen and baths, and every Friday I’ll do laundry. That is when we get a washer and dryer in two or three months. For now, we’ll be doing it whenever we can at the hotel, and also at Laundromats when we have a lot of stuff that could use more than one washer/dryer. I’m not going to bother drying clothes for the most part. They can be hung around the house to dry. I’ll just focus on getting them washed.

We went to the hotel on Monday, but Teresa wasn’t there. No one spoke to me at all as I did the clothes while he remained in the car. Thank God for letting us get in the house come January, cuz Teresa was right about January being high season. Man, was it packed! There were three people at the desk and something like half a dozen customers waiting to be served.

I said hi to Desiree, who said she and her family were leaving the next day.

I began the Slim-Fast diet, but since my stomach can’t take dairy, I’m not using their meal shakes. I’m using their meal bars. It’s supposed to have all the vitamins and minerals you need. They recommend a bar for breakfast, a bar for lunch, and a sensible dinner. So, the plan’s simple to follow, but not easy. You spend a lot of time hungry. I’m about 123 pounds and would like to be 100 pounds. I know, though, that at 34 years of age that’s just not going to happen. That’s just a dream. So, I guess I’ll have to settle for weighing between 110-115.

There’s been some flu going around that causes coughing and congestion, and of course, Tom just had to be one of the ones to get it. It’s not that bad, though. He hasn’t had to take anything for it and he’s still carrying on in life as usual.

I reformatted my typed-up journals. The books I typed up, I mean. Instead of having a file for journals 30-39, for example, I have them grouped by years. After 1995, I started writing a lot more, so I had to have two groups for 1996 because a file was too big to be backed up on floppy disks. January-June would be filed as 1996-1, and July-December would be filed as 1996-2.

Tom went to bed at 10:30 and I have to get him up at 4:00 to make the final dump of the trailer’s shit tank. Dennis and his wife are supposedly coming out this Saturday to pick up the trailer.

I began reworking my story last night.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 11, 2000 Ashley died today. The mouse with the hunchback. She had some kind of spinal defect, anyway. She wasn't one of my favorites, so it isn't hitting me hard. According to my chart, I had her for 11 months. It doesn't seem like I got Katie and Ashley that long ago.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 9, 2000 Tom went to work about an hour ago, and I’m getting ready to read.

Yesterday’s sex was the usual. At one point he tried to claim he came but didn’t get soft afterward, so he kept going. That’s not the way it works, Tom. You don’t have to be a guy to know that. I tell you, April is when he’ll cum. At least that’s what I sense right now. He’ll probably always cum 2-4 times a year. Anyway, he was all lies by saying we’d have more sex and he’d cum more, but again, I can’t complain. I may wonder at times what it would’ve been like to have a child, but 99% of the time I still don’t want one, and I’m not horny enough for more sex. Also, I don’t have to worry that I’m depriving him in any way, cuz I know he’s how he wants to be. It’s just the blatant lies that get to me and like I said earlier, everyone lies. Everyone. Parents, teachers, contractors, cops, and even spouses.

But he did one of his many things to make up for his lies, and really, the only two things he’s ever really lied to me about were pertaining to sex and having a baby, so he’s doing pretty good compared to most guys, even if some would say that that’s enough. He made an awesome entertainment center. I had been worried that for various reasons, he’d take months to do it, but he did it all over the weekend. It looks great, and it’ll look even better with a bigger TV on it. Because it’s been painted black, dolls with light-colored hair/clothing look great on it. Bailey looks great on it. I don’t know if Meli will look all that great on it, though, cuz the darker, ethnic dolls look better on whitewashed furniture. I don’t even know if I’ll ever get Meli. Jade’s not even assembled yet. We have the two speakers that were in the Phoenix living room at the sides of the entertainment center, and on one of them, just like before, sits Summer Dream. She looks so good centered on a speaker with her gown hanging down.

Will the cops harass me tomorrow in any way? Will I be subpoenaed? Or will they keep their word and let it go? Tom says he doubts I’ll hear anymore regarding the issue and I hope to hell he’s right, cuz I disagree. I think I’ll be served tomorrow. If not, then certainly some time this week. You know me. I always have to pay for everything, no matter how petty it may be. It’s everyone else that can get away with shit. I can say one thing for sure, though. They did get my mail. That’s the good part. The bad part is that they were too determined to get it to the police and get them on my ass to read it. I mean, I highly doubt they’d have read it first, then given it to the police. I think that as soon as they knew it was from me, they called the cops.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 8, 2000 Well, I haven’t heard the little boy next door yet, but I’ve seen him. He’s over there now riding a little tricycle around the back of their house which faces the side of ours. The bedroom is on the other side towards the center of our property, although closer towards the front of it than the back. I noticed a swing set over there shortly after Christmas, which I don’t believe was there before. It figures that with all the kids that play in the front of their houses out here, this one’s got to play in back. I just hope it stays quiet. Speaking of kids, I’m thrilled to say I feel no desire whatsoever to have one. In fact, if I was told I was pregnant right now, I would not be happy. There are too many other things I want to do that a child would only prohibit. So, if Tom’s happy, he can feel free to not get off later on when we screw, and besides, I knew his saying we’d have more sex and that he’d get off more often was a joke. He always says that, but that’s not what I want any more than it’s what he wants. Just like in Phoenix, though, he’s waiting till the end of the day for that, like he wants to be more tired to make it easier to hold back. I don’t know why he’d want to now, though, cuz I just finished my period. So even if I were fertile, I wouldn’t be fertile now. I guess it’s just a habit. He’s out there working on the entertainment center now, which looks like it’s coming along great. He says it’s intellectual work, not physical, and that he’s caught up on his sleep and feels fine. Wait till we get to bed, though. Then the cramps and aches will start and the fatigue will set in. The stove and oven are great. It’s funny how we have cheap countertops and little things like that, but we have top-notch appliances. The oven’s awesome! It beeps when it’s preheated and a light next to the word preheated goes on. It has a digital temperature as well as a digital clock, and setting its digital timer is a piece of cake. The oven’s self-cleaning, too. The stove is fantastic for being electric. I thought it’d take a while for the coils to heat up, but it heated up as fast as gas does! I decided to print till my ink died, and I can’t wait to get new cartridges! I had fun printing out some animal pictures and framing them, and they look like actual photographs.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 7, 2000 Yesterday, both Tom and I went through a horrid ordeal. I’ll get to it as soon as I cover some household news.

We got the ice maker working, and it sounds pretty weird. A little loud, too. Kind of sounds like someone’s bowling in a nearby room.

I’ve used our high-tech dishwasher and it’s great! I missed having a dishwasher. It has a lot of options. It even has a delay timer on it.

No house is perfect, though, as wonderful as this one is. I don’t like the dual faucets very much, or the linoleum in the entryway by the front door. Perhaps it looks nicer, but it gets so damn dirty! It would’ve been easier if it were carpet, cuz it’s a lot easier to vacuum dirt off of the carpet than it is to sweep it off of a floor. Even the utility area would be nice to have carpeted.

Also, the stupid fucks put the bedroom light switch by the project room door and not just inside the bedroom door where it should be. That’s where it belonged, but no, the stupid, brainless shits had to put it on the other side of the room.

Tom began setting up his office today and judging by the familiar patterns I see here, I was right about him not changing sexually and his not wanting sex more often. I’m glad, though, that he is who he is and that he’s still going to want it only once a week (on the weekend) because of how I’ve become. I’m not only less horny than I used to be in my 20s, but it’s just easier for me to do my own getting off when the mood strikes, which may sometimes be when he’s at work or asleep, anyway. Maybe I’m lazy or maybe I just don’t have the patience to direct him when he goes down on me so I can get off. He knows me well enough not to need much direction, but it’s easier to slow down or speed up on your own, rather than to tell someone else to slow down or speed up. Talking isn’t something someone usually wants to do when they’re trying to get off.

Tom also set up his rock tumbler which is on his dresser in the guest room right now. It’s not that loud. It’s a soothing sound, actually, but right now I can’t hear it two rooms away from where I am.

The second bathroom’s toilet is clogged up, cuz according to Tom, he took quite a dump. I knew it. I just knew it. I told him things would start breaking or being a problem way sooner and way more often than they should. We’re totally hexed with cars and toilets, as I said, and we were cursed with both of them yesterday. Not only did the toilet clog up, but he got a flat tire.

Today was the third morning I woke up in my new home without being rudely woken up by a bunch of lying cops with nothing better to do. I slept for ten hours I was so exhausted.

At 8:30 yesterday, there was a knock on the door. I dragged myself out of bed and saw that cop again and was like, Shit! Fuck! I thought he was alone till I opened the door and saw the black detective with him and all the others. There were at least 5-6 cop cars and maybe 8 cops. Some were from here, the Pinal County sheriff’s office and some were from Phoenix. So as soon as I saw they were from Phoenix, and that the detective’s shirt said Biased Crimes, I knew it was about that black bitch. Especially since it was right after my call to her.

He came in showing me a picture of Tom and asked if that was my husband. He had a picture of me, too. He said I had to come with him, refused to tell me what the matter was about, and refused to let me call Tom or even leave him a note. The little cock did let me get dressed and take my inhalers with me, though.

Then the cop from here admitted that the Robin story was bullshit. Never before have I resented cops as I do now. They’re supposed to be trustworthy, not blatant liars yet they are! I’ve learned that parents can’t be trusted, teachers can’t be trusted, cops can’t be trusted, contractors can’t be trusted…no one can be trusted!

So the detective gets in his unmarked car while I’m thrown in the backseat of a Phoenix cop car with a couple of uniformed shitheads. Don’t get me wrong. No one mistreated me in any way, they just lied their asses off. I began to wonder if there wasn’t more to this than just a simple case of a nasty phone call and letter cuz they were just going to total extremes. Then again, cops like to hype things up and put on grand shows for people all the time. Nonetheless, I asked why all the cars to go get one person and what was the story, and the stupid fuck had the nerve to say, “I don’t know.”

Yeah, right! And I don’t know my middle name, either.

“I don’t know,” the little shit said, “You’ll have to talk to Detective Jerry O” (the black Biased Crimes guy).

The people next door were out watching the whole charade, and I remember thinking that if I were one of those shy, private types who worried about what others thought, I’d be really fucking embarrassed.

We were pretty much silent during the ride to Phoenix, but I couldn’t believe it! I was in such shock. All that just to get one person? It took all those people just to get one unarmed person? And all cuz of a letter and a phone call? OK, perhaps the phone call was stepping over the line, but I should have a right to write anything I want and send it to whomever I want. It’s called “freedom of speech” and this is America. Aren’t you supposed to be able to speak or write your mind here? Doesn’t mean what you say/write is right or wrong. Doesn’t mean people have to agree with you, but it’s supposed to be people’s right, nonetheless.

The guy driving said there were so many cars cuz the Phoenix people needed to be led in cuz they couldn’t find their way. That’s fine, but you mean it took two or three Pinal County cars to lead two or three Phoenix cars? Wouldn’t one of each have been enough? Maybe, thanks to all the lies the blacks and Mexicans had to have told about me, they thought I was some armed psycho out to kill anyone who crossed me. What if we had moved to California or Florida, though? Would they have flown out to get me?

I was never as nervous as maybe I should’ve been, but I guess that’s just cuz I’ve dealt with these idiots before and made up my mind a long time ago not to let any kind of authority figures intimidate me. If anything, I was pissed. They totally reminded me of being interrogated by my parents and the staff members I had to deal with. I’m not a kid anymore. I haven’t been in years and I never will be again. I’m an adult now and I don’t owe anyone any explanations for how I live my life, so I didn’t say anything that I didn’t feel was necessary to be said. I didn’t want to risk my anger surfacing, although I made it clear how annoyed I was. I didn’t feel great physically, though. I had a headache, cramps, and a full bladder I couldn’t release for a while cuz my muscles were tied in knots.

So we get to the main police station in Phoenix, and meanwhile, I’m still not sure whether or not I was ever arrested. They didn’t tell me I was under arrest, they didn’t show me an arrest warrant or a search warrant, they never put me in a cell, never made me pay anything to get out of there, and never gave me a court date of any kind. In the end, Jerry O said that the issue would be wrapped up that day and that that was what he was shooting for. Naturally, I agreed and even volunteered to sign a paper promising never to contact these old neighbors in any way ever again. However, I don’t buy it. I don’t think his word meant shit and neither did mine. Meaning that me taking the time to make that promise meant nothing to them, cuz they knew they were gonna eventually have me served. I hate liars! Especially when they’re cops! I mean, that is sick! Sick! If you can’t trust cops, who can you trust? They’re such con artists. Again, we’re talking about a letter and a phone call. Not a murder. And why they couldn’t just level with me and tell me to expect a subpoena, makes no sense to me, although Tom says they’ll drop it and move on. Especially since they already have my word about ignoring these people. That’s exactly what I’ve been trying to do for years, but they wouldn’t let me ignore them and they still won’t, even though we don’t live with them anymore. Believe me, I don’t want to know these people exist other than in my memories!

I wonder what they would’ve done if I had refused to go with them. Tom said they’d have shown me a warrant at that point and arrested me if I hadn’t gone with them willingly. But just why did I have to go with them? Why would they take all the time out to do all that driving just to talk to me? Why couldn’t they talk to me here or call me? And how did they get this address? Tom says they could’ve tracked it down on our homeowner’s insurance, but I think they got it either from the Hs or they went through the Hs to get to Steven to get it that way.

O had journals I sent to both Joebitch and Debra V (now I know her last name and that Joebitch moved to an apartment complex. Ugh! What a demotion, huh?). He also had a tape of the messages I left Joebitch from the Fairfield. It’s obvious that they gave the cops these things as they received them and that they didn’t just suddenly give them all these things. I think they slowly built their case and that it was the call that finally got them after me. Dumb mistake, I know. What he didn’t present me with, though, was my last letter to Joebitch which was a few weeks ago.

When we got there, I met in a small room with O and a very friendly white female detective who was 40-something. Her name was Linda. While a cassette was recording the “interview,” he presented me with evidence and questions. Some of the letters were the original pages and some were photocopies. He had scattered lines highlighted. I was surprised he didn’t ask me about a lot more things than he did. He never asked me about 80% of the things I said in my letters to these people. I certainly wasn’t going to come out and say I sent this shit to these people even though it’s my right, right or wrong, mean or not, to say what I want to those people (there was no restraining order against me) and to use the postal service, as long as I don’t harm anyone, so I had to think fast. I’m very pleased with the way I handled the matter, unlike how I handled past problems with cops. It doesn’t necessarily mean it did me any good since cops like to lie and say something’s over when they know it’s not. Cops just don’t seem to be able to let go very easily and move on. It’s like, just drop it, will you? I gave you my word about these people and I fully intend to keep my word.

As figured, he asked me if the issue had anything to do with the fact that these people are black and Mexican and I told him no, it was about being harassed with noise. I didn’t tell them that they were the ones who tried to make it about race, though, cuz what good would that have done me? Tom brought up a good point, and it’s too bad that we both didn’t think about this after the fact, but I should’ve asked these cops if they saw my dolls. Why would I have black, Spanish, and Indian dolls if I were so prejudiced? Using racial slurs is just an expression for me. It may not be right, but they’re just words I use to vent and I don’t do it directly to their faces. It doesn’t mean I hate all blacks or Mexicans. These assholes’ race had nothing to do with the issue. The issue was that they deliberately harassed me for a long period of time, and they got what they deserved from me. They instigated shit with me and I spoke my mind about it and I had every right to.

Tom mentioned that living here is a point against me cuz this is where whites go that hate blacks and Mexicans. Could’ve fooled me. A couple of people next door may have some Mexican in them. The renters may be Mexican. I’ve seen Mexicans galore around here who aren’t just farmers, but Tom insists that 90% of the residents out here are white. Yeah, but either way, if cops go judging people by where they live, then they become the prejudiced ones.

Tom also said that they were trying to bait me into saying something against Mexicans/blacks, which I didn’t, cuz I don’t have anything against them in general, although at this point, after all, that’s happened, I do prefer white neighbors (when God will allow me to have them?). Just most of them. Maybe not even that, though. Just the ones who treat me like shit for no reason at all like these people did. What if I did say some kind of racial slur, though? Would I have been thrown in a cell and brought to trial simply because they didn’t agree with my vocabulary and because they didn’t like my opinions? But it would’ve been my right to say that. It may have been a lousy way to express myself, but people have a right to their opinions and a right to say who they do and don’t like. I can see if someone were standing in the middle of a parking lot swearing or calling out racial slurs, but this was different. I don’t like some blacks and some Mexicans and I have every right to my beliefs and feelings. I don’t agree with their lifestyle, and I don’t like the way they use race as a crutch, while they carry on like wild animals, ripping off our tax dollars so they can sit back and be lazy. I also happen to not like some whites either, and again, it’s my right.

I don’t know why he asked this, but he asked if I met Debra’s “boyfriend.” I knew it. I knew those two weren’t married. It’s the single people that rake in the welfare dough.

I lied my ass off, though, just like everyone else did. Just like the cops did and the blacks and Mexicans did. And yes, I will use racial slurs here cuz it’s my journal, and my right to use whatever words I want to in it. Doesn’t mean my choice of words would necessarily be most people’s choice of words, and it may not be very nice of me, but it’s my right to express my opinion. If people would only stop being so sensitive! If Tom called me a fat ugly bitch, I wouldn’t like it, but it’s his right and I wouldn’t go off the deep end over it like some people apparently would. People can’t help but feel what they feel. This doesn’t mean I haven’t met any nice black or Mexican people, and it doesn’t mean all whites are wonderful, but I just don’t care for people in general no matter what their color or race, and when you deliberately and continually harass me, I won’t like you no matter what you are. You can be purple with green polka dots and orange stripes for all I care. Just don’t wrong me.

So our little Bias fighter asked me about certain statements I made in my letters. My bogus story was that they were just thoughts and ideas I typed and printed out that I no longer wanted and threw in the recycle bin. Also, that’s where I threw some old water-stained manila envelopes, too. I then said Miss N obviously took them, forged my handwriting, then sent them to her and Debra, assuming they knew each other and were out to retaliate against me for the city complaints I made. That was my explanation for my fingerprints being on the stuff. I only admitted to the phone call and said I was sorry and ashamed of my handling the situation as I did, and explained that some of the things I said in my journal were just my way of venting. That last statement is entirely true, too. I did vent a lot in the journals, and sometimes I did say a lot of extreme things. Also, to explain the mumbo-jumbo, I told them my computer crashed a lot, fouling things up, and that I didn’t always bother to fix broken sentences. I couldn’t say I was just trying to be weird and confusing, cuz that’d say I did mail these things to them. The cops aren’t stupid, I’m sure, any more than I’m stupid enough to buy their lies, but hey, if they’re gonna bullshit me, and if old neighbors are gonna bullshit them, why should I be Miss Honest? I cooperated just enough to appear decent enough, so to speak. To appear willing to face, admit, clear up, and move on in life. I may not have fessed up to the degree they would’ve liked, but I wasn’t an all-out uncooperative, rude, blatant liar, either.

I used a lot of bogus names in their letters just to be confusing, and he asked me if I knew those people. I denied most of them, then said a friend of the family was named Al, for example. He asked me about some of the old pictures I had enclosed, and I explained that I liked to decorate the paper I’d write on. When he pulled out the page I sent Deb with my finger, I said I had just been playing around with the digital camera (he actually found that one amusing), and again, I insisted these were things I disposed of that they dug up. I also insisted that they trashed our yard (that much is true), spray-painted our wall, egged our windows, prank-called us, sent us threatening letters, and that I was afraid to call the cops or go to court for fear of retaliation against me and Tom (the blacks really did drop us a few notes and a few calls).

I forgot to say that they wouldn’t let me call Tom, who had to have been terrified and wondering if I’d been kidnapped, for about an hour after I got there, but he got in later than he expected and by then, Mr. Biased had left him a few messages. Tom said Mr. Biased said something about how it hadn’t yet been decided if I’d be booked. You mean to tell me they were considering booking me over words? Words on a phone and words on paper? I thought actions were what mattered. I didn’t do anyone any bodily harm, so why would they even consider throwing me in jail? Just out of pure spite?

Anyway, he kept insisting that because I was an adult, I couldn’t make a phone call, but I corrected him on that and let him know that I knew that everyone brought into a police station has a right to one phone call. When he knew that I knew that, he gave in.

At one point he was asking me about Tom and questioned if he was involved, but I assured him that he wasn’t in any way involved.

After our so-called interview, Linda took me downstairs for fingerprinting. I asked why they were needed when they should have those on file and those are supposed to be good for life, and she said it was so they could have an updated set on their new system. A woman tried to scan them in on their computer, but she had problems with that so she did them the old-fashioned way with ink (the computer was saying mismatch or reject on some of my fingers). All that over me writing my opinion! Because I expressed my thoughts, feelings, and beliefs, I had to go through all this shit. I didn’t write a sexually explicit letter to a ten-year-old, for crying out loud! I didn’t threaten to kill them. At least not directly. But I did say things like how nice it’d be if they’d all drop dead, but who wouldn’t if they were treated like I was? Everyone’s forgetting the big picture here. Either that, or they just don’t want to see it, but the big picture is that I’m the victim here. Not them. They abused me, and it really burns me up to have to be dragged through all this shit while they get off Scot-free from any kind of punishment for what they did to me. If they hadn’t harassed me, there’d never have been a problem. They brought this on themselves and they are their own worst enemy.

Linda was the nicest to me. She was so friendly and so encouraging. She suggested I use my writing in a productive way, and I told her that I’ve been thinking of doing that. It’s just that I haven’t had time or opportunity to with the move, and we discussed that, too.

There were a lot of women cops there. Maybe more than guys. Some were feminine and some were butchy. Especially this one that was talking with Linda and the fingerprinting lady. She had to be the most masculine lesbian I ever did see. Everything but her voice was totally male. So male I’ll bet she doesn’t even get periods. Gayness is because of hormone levels, and I’ll bet the reason I can’t conceive has to do with a hormone imbalance. Not that I’m butchy, but there is some masculinity to me what with my aggressiveness, and this could cause a slight alteration in hormone levels which needs to be very precise, from what I’ve heard, in order for conception to occur.

Linda was the only one who cared enough to help me find a ride home. All the others were typical pigs - they’ll give you a ride when they want you for something, but then they’ll leave you stranded when they’re finished with you. Because no one could reach Tom, the only other number I could think of to call was Mary’s. I explained to her that Mary and Dave would be out, and let her know about Ma and Evelyn. She called and Evelyn said she’d pay for a cab to take me there (Evelyn doesn’t have a car). I asked if she told Evelyn the story, and she said she only told them that I was OK, but that it wasn’t any of their business unless I wanted to tell them.

Evelyn came out as soon as my cab pulled up and she paid the $15 fare. She said to go inside so Ma wouldn’t worry anymore. They had thought at first that I was in an accident or something. By this time, they reached Tom, and Tom, who was very supportive, sweet, and loving, was on his way to get me. I was afraid he’d be rather upset, distant, and go lecturing me for hours. Not that he was any more thrilled than I was, he was great and it was wonderful to have him and to be able to run into Ma’s outstretched arms like I did when I entered the house. I certainly didn’t have that in the past when I had to deal with the cops back east. Either no one cared, or they just couldn’t deal with it well because they had too many of their own problems to deal with.

I see what Tom means about Evelyn, though, who says we did meet at Mary’s wedding. I just don’t remember her. She’s definitely not someone I’d want to live with and I can see the Doe in her, but for short, infrequent interactions like this, she’s tolerable. She hates the dog for biting her and is afraid of him, so he was outside. That way I didn’t have to be afraid of him, too (Tom’s not afraid of him or dogs in general). She was insistent upon feeding me since she gets so bored sitting around there every day. At first, I was too tense to eat, but then I appreciated the bagel she made me cuz I hadn’t eaten at all.

The story I gave them was that I was wanted as a witness for questioning in regards to the old neighbors, then went on to tell them about how they harassed us. To say this wasn’t straying far from the truth if even at all from the truth.

It was so good to finally be home again. With the corrupt, power-hungry ways cops have, I didn’t know when I’d be home, although deep down I think I knew they’d go by the book as far as that went, which said they had no reason to hold me and let me go.

Tom said he came in and assumed I was still asleep. But I usually close the bedroom door when I’m asleep, I told him, and he said he figured I got up, then fell back asleep without closing the door. Then, after a few minutes of bopping around (I had told him to wake me up when he got in with coffee from Circle K), he thought it odd that the noise hadn’t stirred me. When he approached the bed, he said he thought I was under the covers, but when he pulled back the covers, all he found was that long pillow I nestle into. He was concerned at that point, and that’s when he checked for messages and got the black pig’s messages. I guess it’s a good thing he didn’t get in on time, cuz then he’d have had an hour or more to wait till he could find out where the hell I was and he’d have been frantic with worry.

If there’s anything I’ve learned about the people of Arizona, it’s that they’re bold. Real fucking bold! They’re determined, persistent, desperate, gutsy people. The stuff I wrote, designed to deter them from contacting the cops, obviously didn’t work, but that took guts! Think about it. To be willing to go to the cops about someone’s letter to you, despite all the things they accused you of in the letter, is really desperate. Some of the things I accused them of, of course, were true and some weren’t, but I’d be afraid that the cops would be too confused to know who to believe. Well, these people out here certainly don’t fear a thing and are so hateful and vindictive! It’s scary what people will risk just to get at you.

Anyway, enough black and Mexican talk. If the cops will allow it, they’re out of my life for good. From here on out my only connection to them will be a smile on my face when every weekend rolls around that I don’t have to listen to their shit and deal with their antics, hour after hour of the day and night.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 5, 2000 Can you believe that on my first day in the new house I got woke up? Figures, huh? Last night I didn’t get to sleep till nearly 4 AM what with all the excitement of finally being in here. It’s the latest I’d been up since last July or August. So I was still a bit tired when there was a knock on the front door at 10:00. I could hear it over the ocean waves on my sound machine (I decided the fan on a stand was too quiet to mask the sounds of the animals). In a daze, I stumbled to the door and asked who it was. “Sheriff’s office,” came the reply.

Oh, shit! I thought. This has to be about that black bitch in Phoenix, and it’s too late to pretend no one’s home. So I told him to hang on a sec, grabbed my robe, and opened the door to a young white cop in uniform. Friendly enough, though. He asked if I was Robin, and that he came to deliver news that her father was ill. So I told them who we were and that we just moved in. He said he’s never been past Bitter Root before, apologized for the disturbance and left. When I told Tom about it later, he said he thinks that the cop was out to arrest this Robin and that the father being ill was just a cover story. Well, if that was the case, thank God the cop believed me when I told him who I was and didn’t arrest me.

Yesterday at the grocery store, I noticed they had a new round of sitting musical dolls, so I bought a cute one in a pink satin dress with ruffles and flowers. She has blue eyes and brown hair which I’ve got in two ponytails. She has a little bouquet tied to one wrist.

I fixed a clip on one of Dennis’ cabinets. The spring got stuck so the clip got hung up and wouldn’t keep the door closed. I had to unscrew it to fix it, then screw it back on. The trailer’s now virtually empty of our stuff. Just a few cleaning supplies and papers are over there.

It’s amazing that we struggled for months to get into this house, just to suddenly have it all done and ready. We got water and electricity yesterday. The trenches were filled in and the skirting was replaced, too. All that took three fucking months. There’s no excuse for it, and like I said, I’m not about to forget all the hell and all the money that these incompetent fucks cost us. They may be just about finished with us, but I’m not finished with them. They will lose their business licenses and they will get their asses kicked by me, whether we settle in or out of court. Tom said that at this point, the ridiculous amount of time it took us to get in here isn’t nearly as much of a problem for him as all the blatant lies are. As he told Steven, we’re now very aware that they’re all crooks who are a part of the same organization to scam people. That little fuck Dan deliberately said we’d hit water at 550’ when he knew damn well we wouldn’t, just to get the bid so he could try to charge more later when the extra footage needed to be drilled. Well, Dan’s gonna be in for a surprise cuz the loan’s done and finished. Meaning that he’s not getting one penny extra than what we originally agreed on. No one ever permitted him to do what there wasn’t money for, anyway. All he had to do was tell us the truth as far as the water table goes, and we would’ve made sure there was enough money for it in the loan. Like I said, I do intend to take Steven and this little shit down. They won’t be scamming anybody else once I get through with them. I’m telling you, from here on out I’m fighting back when people fuck with us, and I’m doing it my way. I don’t care if you’re a neighbor, a contractor, or God!

Today the fight for the washer and dryer began, although Steven says he is sending the money for it, but I’m like - are we ever gonna be free of these people?! I just want a day in my life without Steven and Dan in it. Can’t we just settle on a reasonable price, avoid the hassles of court, and be done with each other so I can be free to kick their asses with nothing to lose? I can’t wait to go after these cocks! I swear, though, my life has been nothing but periods of problems with different groups of people. First it was the problems with the parents, then the staff members I had to deal with at the hospitals and “schools” I was in, most of whom weren’t any more with it than the patients. Then it was on to shit with neighbors, and now contractors. Am I ever gonna be free from other people controlling and fucking up my life on a regular basis? Am I ever gonna be free from the stress, frustration, and anger they cause? And if so, what’s God’s compensation to me gonna be?

I’m with Tom when he said that from now on, we’ll fix our own stuff around here. We are totally fed up with having to fix this and fix that and do other incompetent cock’s jobs for them cuz they were too stupid and lazy to do it right in the first place.

Poor Tom had to lose more sleep just to go under the house and get all muddy to tighten a loose pipe thanks to Brian or one of his assistants.

Gravity came by this evening to collect a water sample to be tested. Our water’s still a bit sandy.

Although Gravity and Brian have fucked up too (though not nearly as much as Steven and Dan, cuz those too were deliberately out to screw us, whereas Gravity and Brian were just plain stupid) they’ve been the nicest to us and more reliable as far as showing up to do things goes.

Tom said that the kennel was wild last night, but I didn’t hear it. He said tons of dogs were going mad and that it was quite loud outside. It’s nice that I didn’t hear it in here, but hanging outside when it gets warmer, especially at night, may be anything but peaceful.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 4, 2000 Well, so much for finding a wonderful personal page drop-off because I won't be needing it! Yes, we're in the house, but I'll write later!

MONDAY, JANUARY 3, 2000 I left my notebook at the house, so I thought I’d write for a bit on one of the hotel’s little notepads.

I forgot to mention that I woke up Sunday morning at 7:30, and immediately I could smell the rain. Yeah, we had our first rain out at our place, where I am now since we bought it. It wasn’t much of a storm. It was so windy that it didn’t last long, nor did it rain very hard.

This morning I awoke on my own and went downstairs for coffee. I got up at 9:30, so I missed breakfast.

Tom came in about a half-hour later and we went to the Circle K by the hotel. This one’s kind of annoying cuz the employees are always in the way mopping floors and stocking shelves.

After we grabbed some sandwiches and a few snacks, we headed home to find out good news and bad news.

The good news was that not only did the inspector return, the house passed inspection. He was also friendlier this time, too. Not so snobby. He had been pressured cuz of the holiday stress.

What was the source of the bad news? The well, as usual. Actually, it was both good and bad news. It was good that the fucking idiots got it done after so long (and the fuckers have said it’d only take three days! Ha!), but he couldn’t get the pump going. After testing everything out, it all proved to be OK and operable. It’s just that the stupid cock was unprepared and unorganized, as usual. The fuck didn’t have a high-powered enough generator to start the damn thing. APS promised they’d install our meter box one business day after we called them once we passed inspection, which means they should be out tomorrow if they keep their word. So, as unbelievable as it is to finally have some electricity, we should have it tomorrow. Shithead Dan said to call him on his cell phone when we get electricity. Tom hopes that once we have regular electricity, everything will run fine and we can move in tomorrow, but I don’t know. I can see us having electricity, but water? I doubt it. I’m sure there’ll be some problem as always.

After this shit’s taken care of, I wonder how long we’ll have to wait for a washer and a dryer? Will we have to fight tooth and nail for that, too? It wouldn’t surprise me. I already told Teresa it’d be quite likely that we’d need to use their washer and dryer for a week or two after finally moving in.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 2, 2000 We’re at the hotel now and Tom left for work a little while ago.

In 15 minutes I plan to watch my 1st movie of the century since it’s quiet enough around here for that. It’s about Laura Ingalls’s true-life story (the woman portrayed in one of my favorite TV series of the 70s - Little House on the Prairie). It’ll be interesting to see if this decade’s gonna have childbirth in 90% of the shows, movies, and commercials, and I’ll bet it will. Just a gut feeling, I guess. I’m so sick of TV’s drugs, sex, and childbirth, though!

As for me? What will this decade hold? A continuance of having to listen to other people’s noise? I’m afraid so. Call it ESP, call it a gut feeling, call it anything, but I still firmly believe our area will build up and get noisy just as soon as we get settled in.

But what if I’m wrong? If I’m wrong, what will my new ongoing curse be? I still get the feeling of something bad to come sometime this year, but I don’t know what.

My vibes say Tom’s wrong about this week being our last week of having to stay in hotels, but what a surprise, huh?

I typed up both journals and part of the 16 pages I had in #77. Soon I’ll type up the notebook pages. I’ve typed approximately 70 pages on the computer.

I know how shy and private Tom is so I tore out personal pages, then threw the rest in a manila envelope for Paula. There were 10 pieces of paper, which I originally planned to split between the freeloaders and H’s, but naturally, I’d have had to mail them from here. I didn’t have any stamps or envelopes, though, so I asked Teresa for some. She said she couldn’t give me stamps but could give me envelopes, although they’d have the hotel’s return address on them. No thanks, I told her, which was good cuz I found a better place for them.

Later…

The hotel’s 42% full and no one’s next to, across, or under us. Teresa said to hope we don’t have to spend too much of January here cuz that’s high season. That’s not comforting to know.

Can you believe our room cost 70 fucking bucks? I’m gonna kill Steven and Dan! I really am. They’ve raised the rates now that the holidays are over. We’ve lost so much time and money to these fucked up cocks! I swear they will get theirs! Aside from any mail I may send them or any punches I may afflict upon them, we’re trying very hard to reach a settlement with them we all can agree on and avoid court. There are enough warped judges out there who could rule against all parties involved. This may mean that Steven, Dan, and the others didn’t get their money which would be great, but it could also mean we could lose the house and Palm Harbor could take it back. Then I’d really have people to kill! Fine. I’m all for skipping court. You know I don’t believe in having others fight my battles for me, anyhow. I want to deal directly with those who’ve fucked us over. I want to kick their asses and have their business licenses pulled.

As I was saying earlier about the better place I found for my personal pages, well, I’m leaving them in the room in a place they won’t be discovered in for a long, long time. See, the box spring’s affixed to a box that’s sort of affixed to the floor. There’s a slight gap between the box and the box spring. You can’t see the pages I slipped in there and I couldn’t retrieve them if I wanted to cuz it’d be virtually impossible to get the box spring off the little box it sits on. A box may not be the correct word for it. It’s more like the walls of a sandbox, a pedestal perhaps? I’ll stick pages in my notebook in there too, once they’re typed up.

Tracy’s still here. This time it was her turn to ask me when I’d be done with the machines. I was just finishing up with the laundry at that time.

Maybe, just maybe, things are gonna change on TV this new decade after all. Although it’s only two days into the new decade, there wasn’t one bit of the usual shit on TV that I’m so incredibly sick of. I hesitated to watch the Laura Ingalls movie cuz I needed a new subject to watch on TV for a change. A decade of the same old topics has bored me to death. Oh, I got new topics, all right! The movie was so boring. There were no drugs, sex, or childbirth, but I didn’t expect a movie all about blizzards in 1881 and crops gone bad, but hey, it was different for a change. I couldn’t get myself to sit through the whole thing, though.

Now I know who “Raymond” is. Remember I mentioned that in one of my calls to Andy, he said, “Everybody loves Raymond?” Well, Everybody Loves Raymond is a new TV show.

Back to my book till bedtime. One more thing first - I never did hear any music yesterday, even though we didn’t shut down the generator till 9:30. Also, no gunfire woke me up this morning as I expected.

Later…

It’s a little hard to concentrate on reading right now cuz all I can think about is all the money we’ve lost, thanks to Steven and Dan, and how much I want to beat the living snot out of them!

The inspector’s “supposed” to come back tomorrow. Tom says there’ll be no problem when he comes back, but I know better. We’ll have yet something else we’ll have to do before it can be inspected.

I’m so stressed and PO’d right now!

SATURDAY, JANUARY 1, 2000 Maricopa, AZ

Age 34

And now for my first entry of the new millennium and being in the house at last! I’m not gonna put my address at the head of each file since I plan to be here all my life, and if I’m not, I won’t be moving for many years to come!

Tom, the computer expert, was right. The Y2K fear was a joke. Everyone was worried their computers wouldn’t work at the turn of the century, but Tom said they’d be fine. Well, mine certainly is.

Until we ever get the hell in this house, I’m gonna go back and forth between typing up my current stuff here and in my notebook. I’ll use the notebook when I’m at the hotel.

Tom came home tired and achy from his cold and crashed. He had to work today for a few hours. He was sad cuz he accidentally hit and killed a coyote on the way to work. It came darting out in front of him on the highway as he was going to work and froze right in front of the car. He didn’t have time to avoid hitting it. It’s too bad, but these things happen.

I forgot to mention that my Peruvian Barbie came with a stand. As my shit doll luck would have it, though, it’s a little too tall, so her feet don’t touch the bass of the stand. It looked a little funny; like she was floating, so I put my princess Barbie on it and she looks great. That’s because her gown goes to her feet and you can’t see that her feet don’t touch the bass.

I put batteries in the old box Steve gave me in ‘89, in case I forgot to mention that too, and I use that while I’m in the trailer. When we go to the hotel, I take the portable CD player.

If there were any parties last night, I wouldn’t know. We had the generator running till after midnight. I do expect to hear music tonight, though, unless the generator’s running. This morning, just like on Christmas day, there was no gunfire. This doesn’t surprise us, although tomorrow will be totally obnoxious with that and they’ll wake me up for sure. Even with a foam earplug.

It’s become my New Year’s Eve tradition since quitting smoking to get a 4-pack of wine coolers. I pulled one out yesterday afternoon and jokingly said to Tom, “Can I go throw this in next door’s carport?” Ha, ha. Hee, hee!

It’s also somewhat of a tradition to get “visions” of some sort on New Year’s, but this year, all I really got were a series of disjointed, conflicting images (at least I didn’t sense/see anything worse than what we’re going through with trying to get in the house). Tom said that maybe that means I’ve now got freedom of choice in what I do. That’d be a first. Especially when it comes to non-material things. I don’t know, though. It’s awfully hard to believe that after all this time I’ve suddenly got free will when God won’t even let me live in my own home. Something doesn’t want me living in this new house!

I was right on most of my 1999 predictions, as usual, and also as usual, he was wrong on most of his. My predictions for 2000 are very simple - no changes, although we obviously won’t be living in a little old house in Phoenix with loud freeloaders a few feet away! The only significant change that could very well be is that he may leave the bank this year.

The guy that was with Dan came out to put the pump in yesterday. Tom went to bed long before he left, and I never spoke to him, but I know there’s a problem, even though Tom said it looks done. As soon as I saw him on the phone, shortly before he left, I knew they fucked something else up (while God sat up above and let it happen). Well, we’ll find that out this week.

The guy brought along his pregnant girlfriend, or wife, who helped him at times, and her 3-year-old son. It’s an understatement to say that kids are the equivalent of wild animals. I watched the thing run around in circles, screaming at the top of its lungs for 15 minutes. Is this all kids do? Run around and yell and scream? What does this do for them? Just what do they get out of it?

I couldn’t help but feel that there was a message being sent to me pertaining to this little boy’s presence, although I don’t know what. I mean, this is the very shit I moved away from! I move away from screaming kids, and what does God do? He brings them out here to me! It’s like I’ve been followed. God obviously hasn’t been trying to tell me all these years that he wants me to have one of these or else he’d have made sure I had one by now, so is it something else? I keep feeling like I’m missing something here. Like he’s been trying to tell me something for years. I know the boy’s presence meant something. I couldn’t work with kids, if that’s what he’s been trying to tell me he wants me to do, cuz even if I had easy access to transportation, I have no qualifications for that. Truthfully, I haven’t the desire to do so, either.

Tom says this is normal, and maybe it’s a new thing or a southwestern thing, but I think it’s so unprofessional to take friends and family to work. Those are supposed to be left at home. To me, it falls along the lines of mixing business with pleasure.

We saw next door taking things from the shacks, loading them into a pickup, then driving them up to the house. Tom thinks the county may have gotten on them about having such rundown, dangerous shacks and maybe ordered them to tear them down. And rebuild something for someone to live in, right? Or maybe for the boy over there to play in so he can be too close to us? Those shacks may be about 200’ away from us, but if a kid was playing over there, I could easily end up hearing it in my office. Those shacks are so ugly, that I wouldn’t miss them if they were torn down, but the question is - then what will they do? Well, I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. Perhaps they only moved stuff, not knowing if we’d be tempted to run over and steal it.

We watched the ball go down in Times Square, and for this year and this year alone, they used a ball they never used before and that they’ll never use again. It was a crystal ball made in England. The ball didn’t look much different than the usual ball. It was what they did afterward that was different. They had spectacular fireworks that seemed to go on forever! It was so exciting that a part of me wished I was there. Then they did a song specially created for this year, then the usual New Year tune they play. We also saw fireworks from all over the world. They had an awesome display of fireworks shot off the Eiffel Tower in France that was like - wow!

I decided that along with a letter to Paula, I’d send Dureen and Art a letter explaining the move, house, plans for the house, etc., and send it now, rather than wait and enclose it with all the pictures I’m gonna send them in a big envelope. I’ll still send the pictures, but that’ll be within a few months when the house is fully set up. For starters, I got the letter off to them in a regular envelope with a sheet containing a few shots of the house just after it arrived.